


One Normal Night

by UnapologeticallyMeatwad



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, The Addams Family - Lippa/Brickman & Elice
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anachronistic, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Musicals, Nonbinary My Unit | Byleth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:08:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27474040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnapologeticallyMeatwad/pseuds/UnapologeticallyMeatwad
Summary: Edelgard and the Black Eagles lose the war at the Tailtean Plains, but manage to survive. All hope is lost… until they learn that King Dimitri is a thespian with a big heart for musicals. So the Black Eagles mount a performance of the Addams Family musical at Castle Fhirdiad so they can gain entry and assassinate the King. It’s unfortunately their best idea.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 23
Kudos: 21
Collections: Edeleth Big Bang 2020





	1. But Now I Wonder, Are We Undone?

**Author's Note:**

> Just to be clear right off the bat, you really don't need to know the Addams Family musical to understand this fic. I did my best to make my prose capture the rhythm.

Byleth is  _ haggard _ , but unwounded. It makes Edelgard curious. 

“Did something happen?” Edelgard asks.

Byleth’s eyes momentarily widen, their jaw locked in a tight grimace. They eye the rest of their Eagles before patting Dorothea on the back. “Thea,” they urge.

“Yes, so, our scouting in Fhirdiad wasn’t the best,” Dorothea says carefully, eying Hubert in particular. After the Agarthans betrayed Edelgard with a coup to her throne, a coup that the Black Eagles thankfully thwarted — at the cost of losing a major ally, that being the Agarthans themselves — the war has been nigh impossible for Adrestia to win.

Hence the soul crushing defeat at the Tailtean Plains and the mass graveyards of Adrestians, and the fall of the Empire. All that’s really left is who stands in this room: The Black Eagles.

This scouting was supposed to give their forces a chance, and, well, it  _ sort of  _ did.

“I ended up in a lovely conversation with Dedue,” Dorothea explains. “In my disguise, of course, and, we learned that King Dimitri  _ loves _ musicals and…”

Dorothea bites her lip; how does she put this eloquently?

“...we convinced them to let our fake theater troupe into the castle so we could stage a performance of the  _ Addams Family  _ musical,” Byleth finishes with painful finality. 

No one says anything. Edelgard is frozen in place, eyes shimmering. Hubert growls in the back and runs the side of his knuckle into a wall.

“There’s a musical for that?” Caspar asks from the back.

“Uh, yes,” Byleth sighs. “There’s a musical for everything apparently. _Mean Girls_ , _Beetlejuice,_ _Legally Blonde_ — ”

“ — yeah, but those shows are actually good,” Dorothea mutters.

“Well, I can’t help that I don’t know musicals as well as you,” Byleth snips. Edelgard picks up that this tension was a  _ thing _ between them throughout their mission. “Besides, Dedue told us that Dimitri likes the  _ Addams Family. _ So there.”

Edelgard blinks, realizing she should probably speak up. “So are we… you don’t mean  _ we _ are the theater troupe right? Tell me you didn’t say that.”

“We didn’t, but we also have no time,” Dorothea snorts. “Byleth gave us one week.”

“One week!?” Edelgard spits. “Professor, why?”

Byleth folds their arms together and sticks their nose in the air. “ _ I _ didn’t give us one week, my _ character _ did.”

Dorothea clicks her tongue. “No time to discuss this anywho, one week to put on a show, but it’ll get us into Castle Fhirdiad and give us the opportunity we need to — ” she punches her palm. “ — King Dimitri.”

Caspar blinks. “Yo! We’re punching him to death?!”

“No, you dolt,” Hubert drawls, leaning out of his nasty slouch. “We’re  _ stabbing _ him, Dorothea was using a metaphor.”

“Whooooa,” Caspar smiles. “So what’s the show about?”

“Ugh,” Dorothea groans, eying Byleth with such disdain. “It’s about the Addam’s Family—”

“Whoa!” Caspar cheers.

“—I never know if you’re being genuine or sarcastic, Caspar,” Dorothea frowns. “Wednesday, the morbid little girl, falls in love with a boy, Lucas, who has stick in the mud parents, Mal and Alice. They get married and it kind of tears both families apart for a while but it has a happy ending.”

“Whoa…” Caspar nods along, and now it’s clear he’s being genuine as fuck.

Dorothea, wanting to get straight to business, jerks a thumb towards herself. “I’ll be Morticia. Ferdie, you’re Gomez—”

Ferdinand steps forward, a fist raised high in the air. “I will play him to perfection.” It’s as if he’s been waiting for this moment his whole life.

Dorothea shakes her head and jabs her finger at each of the Black Eagles. “Bernadetta, Grandma Addams. Caspar, Puglsey. Hubert, Uncle Fester—”

If Hubert were drinking something, surely he would have done a spit take. 

Dorothea sighs and massages her temple. “Hubie, what’s wrong?”

Hubert feigns a cough, his cheeks glowing red. “Um, well, it’s not like, I  _ know _ the musical or source material or anything, but, ah, isn’t… isn’t Uncle Fester a  _ funny _ character?”

“Yes,” Dorothea deadpans.

Hubert frowns. “Well, clearly, I am  _ un _ humorous, so, you know, I heard someone saying earlier that the  _ Mal  _ character wasn’t funny, perhaps I could play him…”

Dorothea grins. “No, you can’t play Mal because Lin is playing Mal.”

“Who’s Mal?” Linhardt chirps in immediately. “I spaced out. This is boring.”

Dorothea leans back. “Hubert, you seem to have paid attention to my plot synopsis about the  _ Addams Family _ , care to explain?”

Hubert says nothing and just buries his face in his hand.

“New characters,” Dorothea rolls her eyes. “Petra, you’ll be Lin’s wife, Alice. Mal is a boring asshole who opens up at the end, Alice likes cute poems and speaks mostly in corny poems. Their son, Lucas, is kind of a wild one. He falls in love with Wednesday, but because Lucas’ family is so  _ normal _ , she asks her family to pretend to be normal for just one night.”

“Who’s Lucas?” Byleth raises an eyebrow. 

Edelgard also raises an eyebrow; she already knows who is playing Wednesday and Lucas, and she despises Dorothea for saving these roles for last.

“Why, it’s you, Professor!” Dorothea grins.

Byleth narrows their eyes. “I picked up on that. But who  _ is _ Lucas? I feel like it’s weird to introduce a new character into an established canon like that, and — ”

“No media theory,” Dorothea groans. “Edie, you’re Wednesday.”

Edelgard nods; she doesn’t actually know who that is, by the time she was old enough to watch television, everything had happened with her and her siblings and the underground… so she really didn’t get to grow up like a normal child.

“I’ve never seen this Addams show,” Edelgard says, intentionally skewing the name to make her point clear. “I’d feel more comfortable playing one of the weird new characters. Petra, maybe you could be — ”

“Edie, you’ll be great!” Dorothea cheers, patting her best friend on the back. “Aside from myself and Hubert, you are the biggest thespian here.”

Edelgard frowns; she doesn’t like this, and she doesn’t like that Byleth seems to be going through the same problem. They are staring at each other now and it’s clear that neither of them are worried about doing a disservice to what sounds like a mediocre musical, it’s that… they’re  _ love interests _ . Edelgard might even have to  _ kiss!!! _ Byleth on-stage, possibly even sing a duet with them!

“I disagree,” Ferdinand calls out. “I am the biggest thespian here; we all know I’m a big ham.”

Dorothea shakes her head. “Edelgard spent a year of her life going by  _ the Flame Emperor.” _

Ferdinand pinches his nose. “This is true. I yield.”

When no one says anything, Hubert lumbers forward. “I would like to argue that I am  _ not  _ one of the biggest thespians here, but perhaps one of the most low-key, and furthermore…”

A drawling bass interrupts Hubert, and steps into the room. Jeritza cradles the Death Knight mask in his arm as he speaks, “Tell me, friends. I am headed out for some slaying tonight, and I was wondering if my Death Knight mask made me scarier or if it was better with me using just my normal fa—”

Dorothea points at Jeritza. “Lurch.”

Jeritza stops mid-sentence. “Excuse me?”

“You’re playing Lurch,” Dorothea says. “In our performance of  _ The Addams Family _ .”

“I can’t sing,” Jeritza claps back.

“Lurch doesn’t sing, he groans.”

“Correction — Lurch sings the last song,  _ Move Toward the Darkness _ , and it’s intended to sound beautiful,” Jeritza says so seriously. “Uh, well, someone told me that I think.”

“Well you’re Lurch.”

“I can’t sing though — ”

Bernadetta bravely steps forward. “You were singing to your ice cream last night, Jeritza, and you sounded really good! You’ll do great.”

Jeritza’s face falls. “Et tu, Bernadetta?” He turns on his heel and immediately exits the hall. 

The Black Eagles stay there in silence for some time. Edelgard secretly hopes someone will point out a flaw in this plan, point how stupid it is and how it definitely won’t work. The reason doesn’t even need to be strategic! It could just be like — oh, yeah, Edelgard and Byleth have no chemistry together so the show will be boring and…

...no one comes to her rescue. Edelgard is actually going to play Wednesday Addams. And probably kiss Byleth on the lips. For some reason.

Byleth nods at everyone. “Let’s get to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love musicals lol this was such a blast to write. A couple things I’m going to note before we move along:
> 
>   1. This takes place in an Anachronistic Modern AU — this is still a war, just no guns or anything. : )
>   2. This fic heavily references the Addams Family Musical. I’m going to try to keep it as context free as possible, but if you want to get an idea of the aesthetic to that show, check out [the performance they did on Letterman.](https://youtu.be/7TNygXkIx_w?t=19) I’ll be linking the songs I’m writing around for each chapter.
> 

> 
> Why the Addams Family Musical? Uh, I don’t know, it’s honestly not a very good show… but I don’t know, the idea came together while I was listening to [One Normal Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7APQPvzCvdk) (which slaps btw.) Also huge shoutout to the organizers of this event, and the artist who made two pieces for this fic! Artwork will be featured in Chapters 3 and 6. : )


	2. Death is Just Around the Corner… Get it? Coroner. Death is Just Around The… Corner. Heh.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black Eagles hold their first rehearsal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we run through a little bit of the opening number:    
>  [ When You're an Addams ](https://youtu.be/7TNygXkIx_w?t=19)   
>  You can watch the performance the OBC did on Letterman to get some context if you’d like, but it’s not necessary. 

Rehearsal is nice. It’s been so long since the Black Eagles could just hang out. Because of Edelgard’s war. It’s been so tense always, like any day could be the last, and loyalties have been constantly under question. 

Edelgard never blamed her Eagles for having mixed feelings. She herself has been in that same dark place. Regrettably, she still feels tense. This isn’t really what she wanted to happen. She wanted a war, she wanted blood and now…

“Everyone!” Dorothea waves to everyone from the stage, a lengthy piece of parchment pinched between her fingers. “Up here! I have an announcement to make.”

Edelgard runs her fingers against her elbows, sighing and following the rest of the Black Eagles onto the stage. She steps up and sees Dorothea beaming at all of them, not even bothering to contain her energy.

“King Dimitri has written to us,” Dorothea smiles, stretching out the parchment which is — dense. Most likely denser and more thought-out than any of Dimitri’s policies as King… which are lacking to say the least.

“ _My fellow thespians_ ,” Dorothea announces in the deepest voice she can conjure. She even manages to capture Dimitr’s slow and gentle speech. At least, the way he used to speak to them back in school. Since the war, Dimitri’s voice changed and became dark and booming. It reminds her of a tree falling in the forest. The man Dorothea is imitating is dead, but Edelgard will allow the performance of a softer Dimitri if it will give the company hope.

“ _When I heard from General Dedue that you have offered to stage a performance of The Addams Family, I was overjoyed. I’m not sure if you know this —_ _but it is my favorite musical. But regrettably, when the show came to Fhirdiad, it was only on tour and I was not well enough to see it._ ”

Edelgard frowns. It was at Enbarr for a year before going on tour — right around the Tragedy of Duscurr. 

_“I’m honored and so gracious you are coming to us. Perhaps it is un-kingly of me to say so, but I have not felt like myself lately and I’m hoping the show may help me. Oh, I can hardly wait to see what you do with it! I’m particularly excited for what you’ll do with my favorite number ‘One Normal Night.’ I’m sure you know it._ ”

Hubert suddenly snaps his fingers and points at the air to say something, but Dorothea waves him off. 

_“Regrettably, ‘One Normal Night’ is halfway into Act 1… hence my love for your production might peak early. Regardless, I will do my best to keep myself rapt with attention for the duration of the show and you can trust that I will be the first to stand for the ‘standing o’ you will surely receive. Yours Truly, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd._ ” 

Dorothea takes in a deep breath. “For transparency’s sake, he sent this a day ago. He rushed the postage because clearly he is so excited to see us do this. Based off his, uh, enthusiasm for this shit ass show, I don’t think it’ll be challenging for us to entertain him…”

Hubert coughs loudly. Even Edelgard rolls her eyes. Hubert _really_ needs to work on his subtlety oddly enough.

“Yes, Hubie?” Dorothea groans.

Hubert grins to himself, hands folded behind his back. “ _One Normal Night_ is when we kill Dimitri.”

Dorotha blinks. “Oh, right, we’re trying to kill him, woops. This is all just a ruse… ha, I almost forgo—”

“He will be the most enamored during that number,” Hubert flashes his teeth, he’s just so _excited_. “One of us, ideally myself, will sneak off stage and find him and—”

“You can’t,” Edelgard interrupts, earning a scathing look from Hubert. Edelgard shakes her head at him. “Have you even read the book yet? _One Normal Night_ is—”

“There’s a freakin’ book we’re supposed to read?!” Caspar interrupts.

“No,” Edelgard sighs. “The _book_ is the name of the script.”

“Books are books,” Caspar disagrees apparently. “Theater’s dumb. And gay.”

“You’re gay,” Linhardt elbows Caspar in the gut.

“Yeah, heh,” Caspar waves him off with a sly grin. “Okay, continue Edelgard.”

“Well, _One Normal Night_ is a song we are _all_ in,” Edelgard says. “The first one we are all in actually, and _you_ , Hubert, have a very important solo.”

Hubert seems to choke on something. “I do?”

Ferdinand cackles beside him, shaking his wild mane to and fro. “Classic Hubert.”

“Um… um…” Huber’s eyes dart around fast. “...we need to recast! Yes, a recast is in order. Caspar, why don’t you — ”

“ _You are wrong, Edelgard_ ,” a dark voice broods from the shadows, and out steps a blank faced Jeritza. “ _I_ am not in that number. Perhaps I appear at the end, but it is unnecessary to include me. Unless you use the superior Chicago Tryouts version of the number where I _am_ needed…”

Dorothea looks like she’s about to blow a gasket. “No, I don’t like that version.”

“...well, then I suppose you have found your assassin,” Jeritza almost cracks a smile. “I will kill King Dimitri.”

“No!” Hubert squawks. “You can’t — you — are not — sneaky. Your Majesty, if you permit Jeritza to do it, he will surely put on his scary skull mask and cackle as he rides his horse down the aisles.”

“It’s true,” Jeritza admits before any decision can be made. “It’s almost as if… I should be recast as a non-singing role, and Lurch should be portrayed by our best assassin…”

Dorothea groans, but no one except Edelgard seems to notice her, what with everyone caught up in the ~*drama*~ of it all. 

“No,” Edelgard says suddenly. “Dorothea cast you as Lurch, Jeritza, because you are the best Lurch among us. In fact, I would argue that all of Dorothea’s casting is impeccable.” Edelgard sticks her nose in the air and it seems to have the effect she wants. 

“I agree,” Byleth says, sending a jolt up Edelgard’s spine. They swagger past Edelgard and look to the others. “Besides — if we focus too much on the killing, we’ll mount a poor performance that will not get Dimitri’s attention. While I’m sure he’s easy to win over, he must have some kind of standard here.”

Dorothea beams once again. “Yes, Professor, that is true. A good performance is necessary to distract him so we can stab him or whatever. Okay, everyone take your places for _When You’re an Addams_ . Lin, Petra, and Professor, I want you to step outside and work on your piece in _One Normal Night_.”

* * *

Needless to say, the rehearsal is a disaster right out of the gate. The moment the curtains peel back in this hypothetical performance, the stage is shrouded in blue smog that lights the stage so eerily. The Addams Family stands in a full cluster to do the legendary limp wrist _snap_ that everyone knows. 

“I do not like this,” Ferdinand clicks his tongue the moment it is done. “It feels like we’re pandering.”

“Also I do not know how to snap,” Jeritza broods.

Dorothea casts such a dirty look at Ferdinand. “It’s in the book!”

“Yes, but…” Ferdinand crosses his arms. “Look, Thea, see my first move, right? Us two move out to front stage and I sing _When you’re an Addams…_ _you need to have a little moonlight._ ” Ferdinand flicks his right arm and snaps twice over his shoulder, left arm held at his chest. _Snap snap._

“Good, now Thea, we link arms and _When you’re an Addams…_ ” Same set of two snaps. “ _You need to feel a little chill._ ” He and Dorothea shimmy their chests together. 

“Right, smooth moves, Ferdie, I knew the Professor was always wrong about not making you our White Heron Rep,” Dorothea grins.

“Hey!” Caspar snaps suddenly. “I’m right here, Thea!”

“Yes, that is true, I am the superior dancer to Caspar,” Ferdinand explains in anguish. “But—”

“How do I snap?” Jeritza looks for help.

Ferdinand continues, “—this opening number is to a completely different tune than the _Addams Family_ TV show theme. See, we set an expectation that the first song will be like the TV show, and then it isn’t! It’s like, this, weird Caribbean sounding, snapping—” _Snap. Snap._

“Impressive,” Jeritza says. “But how do I—”

“—thing. I don’t like it, Thea,” Ferdinand pouts.

Edelgard rushes in, grabbing the very red faced Dorothea by the shoulders. God, she wishes Byleth were here. They’re far better at managing the big personalities of their class. “Ferdie, it’s the musical. It’s just… how it is.”

Ferdinand continues, “I elect we eliminate the first set of pandering snaps because they are misleading.”

“I should’ve known you’d be like this if I made you the lead,” Dorothea leers so hard at him. “King Dimitri likes low hanging fruit if he enjoys this musical so much. Let’s just stick to the material.”

Jeritza raises his hand.

Dorothea’s neck almost cracks turning to Jeritza so fast. “Like _this!_ ” _Snap_. “Goddess, why.”

Jeritza drops his hand. “I still do not understand.”

“Just fake it, dude,” Caspar pats him on the shoulder. 

Things go okay, begrudgingly for a bit, the first steps are easy enough and highly repetitive. The next problem comes when it’s time for the supporting cast entrances. 

Dorothea stands back, watching the cast very seriously. “And a 5-6-7-8! _When you’re an Addams_ …”

Edelgard steps forward with her prop crossbow, firing off a fake bolt. “ _You need to have a bow and arrow!_ ” _Shwing. Squick._

Hubert makes a face at something but they continue.

“ _When you’re an Addams…_ ”

Caspar mimes setting off a bunch of TNT and screams, “ _YOU NEED A MOMENT TO EXPLODE!_ ”

“Try singing it next time, Caspar,” Dorothea looks to Bernadetta who steps forward and yelps, “ _Just pour a potion!”_

Hubert misses his cue by an entire beat, and it’s awkward as Hell. He rasps, “ _And flip the switch!_ ”

Then Edelgard, Hubert, Bernadetta, and Caspar try and fail to sing in harmony, “ _And wait ‘til things get hot!_ ”

Immediately, Hubert steps out of the huddle and walks up to Edelgard, gently grabbing her arms and moving them around. “You’re holding the crossbow wrong.”

Edelgard blushes. “You missed your cue.”

Ferdinand steps in and shakes his head at Hubert. “Hubert, you are Fester yet you rasped your line like a spooky, scary ghost.”

Hubert flashes him a look. “It’s an actor’s choice—”

“No, you’re just being lazy,” Ferdinand snips.

“Guys,” Edelgard tries to intervene.

“I am not capable of playing Fester the way it is intended!” Hubert lunges at Ferdinand, and everyone starts shouting at each other. It’s pandemonium. 

Edelgard drops the crossbow and slides up to Jeritza, and yanks his arm like Quasimodo does his bells.

“ _Eeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuugh!_ ” Jeritza bellows in his best Lurch grunt. Everyone freezes, and Edelgard stares daggers at everyone. 

“Can we please just work together?” Edelgard groans. “Minimum viable product.”

“Sorry, Lady Edelgard,” Hubert frowns. “I will try to be _funny_.”

Dorothea gasps all of a sudden and digs her nose into the script, which earns her a raised eyebrow from Edelgard.

In this lapse of leadership, Edelgard says, “Hubert, you’re very funny, Ferdinand, you just need to trust the material, Caspar you really ought to try singing and not just screaming, and someone needs to teach Jeritza how to snap.”

“Thank you,” Jeritza offers a rare smile. It’s incredibly scary and unpleasant. 

Edelgard shakes her head. She _really_ wishes Byleth were here.

“Halt,” Dorothea yells, voice shaky. “We have a serious problem.”

“What?” Edelgard mutters.

“The ancestors,” Dorothea points at a particular spot on the script. “I completely forgot about the Ancestors. We need an ensemble.”

Oh, that is a problem. They don’t have an ensemble, it’s literally just the Black Eagles (and Jeritza) now.

“Can they be cut?” Edelgard asks.

“No,” Dorothea shakes her head. “It’s a big piece of the show’s atmosphere, _fuck!_ I knew I should’ve told Dedue we’d do _Falsettos_ or something, that’s minimalist, this is—shit shit _shit!”_

Edelgard tries to steady Dorothea. “Calm down, worrying about this isn’t productive—”

“It _is_ though!” Dorothea grabs Edelgard back and it looks like she’s on the verge of a breakdown. “We need an ensemble or none of this will work. The show needs to be _perfect_ if we have any chance at winning the war, Edie.”

Edelgard furrows her brow.

Hubert steps forth. “You know, we _do_ have that spy ring locked up in Mittelfrank.”

Months ago, when the war turned for the worse, Enbarr got taken and Mittelfrank was shut down because Faerghus agents had discovered it was part of Hubert and Dorothea’s massive spy ring. 

The Spy Ring was a huge piece of the war; Edelgard hadn’t known about them for the longest time. Apparently, no one has even _met_ the spies in-person. All communication has been through untraditional means, in order to keep the secret safe.

“They’d still be loyal to us if we could break them out,” Hubert suggests with a slight smirk. “Shall we?”

“No!” Edelgard is the one to get a little hysterical now. She just lost so many people at Tailtean, she can’t afford to lose anymore. She’s lucky enough that all of her best friends survived. “We need to put on a show—”

“For the show to work, we need Mittelfrank,” Dorothea ignores Edelgard. “Hard stop. I always assumed the spies were my friends at the Opera House, if no one else, they can pick up the ensemble steps easy and carry us.”

Everyone except Edelgard nods in agreement. 

“Damn,” Edelgard swears. “Fine, we can… stage a heist to recover our friends. I think we should focus on our dance steps for the rest of the day.” 

Lots of hesitance on doing that. She can tell everyone wants to go in to recapture their spy ring.

Thankfully, Dorothea nods, and she’s truly the authority here, both on theater and spy rings. “Yes, Edie. Thank you, let’s focus up.”

* * *

They get out of the theater very late into the night. It’s dark now, and cold. Edelgard’s body is so sore from rehearsal and she really just needs to flop onto her bed and pass out. Too tired to even slip her jacket on over her tank top, she just lets it hang off her shoulders. Makes her look like she was just on a date. 

She looks over to Byleth walking alongside her, dead silent as always.

“What are you thinking about, my teacher?” Edelgard asks.

Byleth gives her a look. “You know I don’t like it when you call me that. I was never much of a teacher… or a General for that matter. And I am certainly not now.”

“Don’t say that,” Edelgard urges. “You didn’t lose us the war.”

Byleth doesn’t say anything. This is certainly a sore spot between them.

“If anything, it’s my fault,” Edelgard continues. “I lost Thales’ support… because of my ideals. When I started refusing his armies of Demonic Beasts… it started a chain reaction. But… I don’t think it’s healthy for any one of us to blame ourselves.”

Byleth frowns.

Edelgard narrows her eyes. She adores Byleth, but it can be so hard holding conversation with them. “Do the others… blame themselves?”

Byleth nods curtly. “Perhaps not as heavily as either of us… aside from Hubert. I’m sure you have discussed it with him—”

“Not really,” Edelgard slips in.

“Really? But I thought you would—” Byleth stops themselves. “Oh. Um. I’m sorry. I’m overstepping”

“It’s alright, you aren’t. I haven’t been communicating well lately,” Edelgard bows her head. “It’s funny, going from constant training to… this. I’m so tired, doing these steps ad nauseam all day is exhausting.”

“I agree,” Byleth says with the hint of something that might be a smile. “I’m excited for tomorrow. We get to do our first scene together.”

“T-true,” Edelgard stutters, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks. Why is she so flustered? It’s a quick scene. Wednesday shoots a bird down with a crossbow, and Lucas, the new character, sees her. That’s all. Really simple. “Do you think this will actually work?”

“No,” Byleth sighs. “I think we’ll either get caught… or it’ll turn out this is a ruse. The man we faced off at the Tailtean Plains crushed us with his master strategy… he can’t be so foolish as to fall for _this_ , right?”

Edelgard frowns. Something about the sincerity in Dimitri’s letter to the cast struck her as so honest, and so surprising. She, too, is still processing it. 

For a man who looked at her with such scorn, he screamed that he wanted to take her head… for a man whose lance could split the earth with flame… to say those kind and sweet things to them.

They are at his mercy, and she wants to kill him. Probably.. 

“It’s up to us… and Hubert,” Edelgard says with some urgency, suddenly taking Byleth by the hand. Byleth readily accepts it. She was always nervous about touching them, because she knows how it reads, and she knows Byleth would never want her. But it’s okay. “The three of us have showstopping solos in _One Normal Night_ that are vocally very demanding. If we do them poorly, Dimitri will not be gripped by the performance.”

“Mm… I think that’s what Hubert worries about.”

“Huber will be fine,” Edelgard says. “He’s funnier than he knows.”

“Ah, you’re worried about yourself, then. You are also very funny.”

Heat rises to Edelgard’s cheeks again. Curses!

“Certainly not!” Edelgard pushes back. 

Byleth laughs a weak cackle, and it’s like music to Edelgard’s ears. “You’ll do fine. I’ll be supporting you throughout rehearsal. Don’t worry, El.”

Edelgard blinks. Byleth says that nickname so slyly. They grin and wave her good night, breaking away to rest in their bedroom. Edelgard wishes their bedroom weren’t so far from everyone else’s, it gives them less time to talk on the walk home, and she still has things to say. Her heart is pounding after all. 

Tomorrow is not just the rehearsal for her first scene with Byleth, but for her solo of the show. The one where she’s supposed to be _funny_. How in Seiros’ name she pulls that off is beyond her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can [follow me on Twitter](https://twitter.com/IAmLordMeatwad) for tweets about my cats and fanfic, and [follow me on Insta](https://www.instagram.com/katrinajagelski/) for similar stuff. Occasionally I do live reads for my original fiction and fanfic.
> 
> [You can follow the artist here.](https://www.instagram.com/obanaiz/) Artwork is coming next chapter!


	3. My Demeanor’s Locked in One Position. See My Face? It’s Enthused.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edelgard rehearses with Byleth for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I just want to say, a lot of you said really nice things about the first two chapters so thank you. I rarely get comments so this has been nice. Also big shoutout to Obanaiz for the cute af artwork for this chapter. : ) Anyways, in this chapter, we really dig into Wednesday’s solo, Pulled, which you can listen to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaTGK7mpijY or watch the proshot here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heK5mX_aQ38 Again, you don’t have to but honestly, this is one of the few songs in this show that slaps.

The scene is so simple, perhaps the simplest in the play. 

Wednesday shoots a dove out of the sky with a crossbow. The dove lands in front of Lucas and he is amazed, and it tees up the rest of their relationship. 

But Edelgard cannot manage it. Despite her role as Emperor of Adrestia, she has always felt like such a schoolgirl around Byleth, but in this scene it is Byleth who needs to be a schoolgirl for Edelgard. 

Byleth, by Dorothea’s direction, is to look up at Edelgard in amazement, and Edelgard is to look coldly down at the gaping mouthed ‘boy’ below her, coldly disregarding him but walking away with her heart pounding in her chest. 

Though only a thirty second exchange, Edelgard struggles to nail it so everyone else moves on to practice the technical aspects of the show.

Linhardt works the lighting, because for at least this week, his interest is in stage lighting. It’s a cold blue wash over the stage, a blaring white behind Edelgard’s back simulating the moonlight, casting her long shadow over the whole stage. From Dimitri’s seat high up, he will surely be moved by this craftsmanship.

Petra stands on the rafters just above the curtains, waiting besides a line of dead dove dolls that already have crossbow bolts embedded in their chests. All she needs to do is drop it on the cue and at the correct spot on stage. And Caspar plays the dove squealing its last screech as it falls from the sky.

It doesn’t take long for the stage to be littered with dead doves. 

“Edie,” Dorothea groans, her hair frayed. It’s likely she’s not sleeping or taking care of herself. “You’re smiling too much. Also when you blush, the lighting makes you look like Violet Beauregard. C’mon.”

“Hey now,” Byleth frowns. “Be nice. Edelgard’s just learning how to play the role.”

Edelgard sighs. This is very embarrassing for her. 

“Edelgard,” Ferdinand struts onto stage and waves a gloved hand at her.

“Please don’t,” she says.

Ferdinand pretends to have not heard that. “If you can recall the five years when Byleth was sleeping in a river —”

“It’s the truth!” Byleth chimes in.

“—you were quite the tsundere for our friend, Dorothea,” Ferdinand smirks.

Edelgard’s cheeks go _very_ red now. Dorothea and Edelgard are on perfectly fine terms as ex-girlfriends but it still stings. “Well, um, you know— shit. Um. Hubert was a tsundere for you too!”

“Don’t bring me into this!” Hubert hisses from one of the far back wooden chairs in the audience. He gets up to move closer to the stage.

“Ha, so he is,” Ferdinand waves his luscious locks. 

“Alright, alright,” Byleth breaks it up, walking over to Edelgard. “C’mon. Let me help you.”

Edelgard drops her arms. “Very well, my teacher.”

“Right, let’s start there,” Byleth smiles, gently taking Edelgard by the forearms. “For purposes of this production, I am once again asking that you not call me that. It creates a power dynamic between us that doesn’t fit the role. Try to think about how you felt when you first met me—”

“I really liked you when I first met you?” Edelgard suggests. “You saved my life. I was, uh, quite smitten. Heh.”

Byleth blinks. “Oh? I thought you hated me.”

“Excuse me, that cold demeanor is part of the Emperor’s _thing_ ,” Hubert drawls from Dorothea’s side, apparently having assumed the role of Stage Manager. “Can you please get to the point, Professor? We don’t have time to waste on rehearsing this one scene.”

“Right, well, pretend you see me as nothing more than an ant,” Byleth says. “And um,” they run a finger into Edelgard’s chin, slowly raising it. “I think you should hold your head a little higher, when you look down at me it’ll look even more dramatic.. there she is.”

Edelgard fights back a nervous smile.

“Slowly lower your crossbow to your stomach,” Byleth tilts the girl’s arms down, and presses their thigh into Edelgard’s, widening her stance. “Take up space, like you’re manspreading. Like Ferdinand does in our carriage.”

“ _Hey_!”

Edelgard chuckles. “And look at you with no emotion like Linhardt.”

“ _Hey, you know I could just shine a spotlight in your face the whole show._ ”

“Okay, stand back,” Edelgard gently pushes Byleth down the slope of the fake hill they’ve dragged onto stage. She looks at Byleth and mounts her best effort at dilating her pupils. They grow large and wide, like voids of emptiness. With the moonlight behind her, Edelgard is positively _haunting_.

“Ha,” Byleth says softly. “That’s my Wednesday.”

Edelgard nods politely. “Thank you everyone. I will do my best to capture this every performance.”

* * *

Caspar wanders through Garreg Mach in a zombie-ish trance. It’s late, and the courtyards are empty since the complete wipe out of Adrestia. It’s a miracle he’s alive. Before, Edelgard had the support of her nation as Emperor. Now? Not so much. Only the support from the true believers in her mission to gut the nobility out of Fodlan’s antiquated system. And those people are suppressed from having a voice.

But Caspar isn’t thinking about that tonight, tonight he just wants to master the choreo to _When You’re an Addams_. He’s feeling really guilty about bringing the whole company down with his two left feet, so when he’s sure he’s in an un-surveillanced area, he holds both his arms out straight in front of him and does a zombie style walk while attempting to shimmy his head without bobbing his shoulders. It proves to be quite difficult.

Truly, he just can’t do it and now he’s feeling scared. He won the White Heron Cup for crying out loud! Like, he has to be a good dancer. Byleth believed in him for a reason. His whole life is based off being a dancer now. He gave up axes and gauntlets to master the art of the sword, for dancers are best as swordsmen he’s heard.

Agitated, Caspar boosts himself onto his heel and holds his hands up as if he were pretending to be a tree, and pirouettes while moving forwards. But the moment he finds himself looking back he screams for a ghastly black shadow is directly behind him.

The shadow screams back. “ _Ah!_ ”

Which causes Caspar to flail and fall onto his ass. Rubbing his tuckus he looks up to see that it’s just Hubert. “Aw, dude, what? You gotta stop tailgating me, bro.”

“Tailgating?” Hubert asks inquisitively. “For your information, I am not intending on murdering you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know that,” Caspar growls. “You gave that up a while ago.”

“Well — ” Hubert brushes some dust off his sleeve. “ — why are you giving me a hard time?”

“Because you’re following me!”

Hubert rolls his eyes and struts past Caspar, cape trailing behind him, cut at the perfect length that it hovers above the cobblestone ground. “Come. We’ve business to discuss.”

Caspar rolls his eyes, but follows anyways. They push their way to the training grounds. Caspar takes a seat just outside the ring, while Hubert stays standing at the center. He folds his arms together. “It’s about the musical,” Hubert frowns.

“You’re mad at me for missing my steps yesterday,” Caspar groans. “Because it’ll _dishonor_ Lady Edelgard and — ”

“Quiet,” Hubert hisses, his eyes narrowed into slits. “I paid no attention towards your horrible dance technique, though it does not shock me.”

Caspar frowns and thumbs his nose. What on Earth could Hubert want to talk about if he did not want to dunk on the boy?

“I want to talk about my performance,” Hubert explains, his voice quiet as possible. He steps closer. “It is… _lacking._ ”

“Lacking,” Caspar repeats. “Aw yeah, no, Hubie, I mean. It wasn’t…”

Hubert watches Caspar with wide eyes, biting his lip in anticipation.

“...it wasn’t as bad as you think, I think,” Caspar finishes and Hubert winces, swatting at the air. “Bro, it was our first rehearsal — ”

“You don’t understand,” Hubert lurches forward. “My performance is the very thing that would shame Lady Edelgard. I… I cannot harness the humor it takes to portray someone like Uncle Fester.”

Caspar blinks. Never before has he seen Hubert so wounded. That in itself is very funny. “I mean you’re harnessing humor right now.”

“What?” Hubert spits. “No! Don’t fool with me, Caspar. I am the pinnacle of — uh, _un_ humor-ness. I am _so unfunny_ that I — ” He looks at his white gloved hand outstretched into the air and stares at it, waiting for something to come to him. Then finally drops his hand to his hand and looks to Caspar plainly.

Perhaps Hubert _is_ not funny. 

Caspar drops his hands into his lap and curls them in the gap between his knees. “So what are you coming to me for? You want to swap roles with me?”

“No,” Hubert grunts. “That will not do. It is also important that I make the role work for myself, Dorothea will never let me hear the end of it if I am… to give my role to you.”

Caspar nods. Damn. He was kinda hoping for a swap. Pugsley doesn’t even get to do that much.

“But…” Hubert gets closer to Caspar and drops down on one knee, though he keeps his leg bent just above the dirt as to not dirty his pants. “Even without swapping, _you could still be Fester_.”

Caspar knits his brow. “B-but… you just said…”

“Think, man! _Think!”_ Hubert shouts. 

Caspar knits his brow _even harder_. Then snaps his fingers. “You want me to voice Fester…”

“...while I play him on stage,” Hubert grins like he does when he just straight up murders someone in the most painful way possible. “I can’t make him funny, you can. And you won’t even need to learn the steps.”

Caspar smiles, he just feels so elated, but quickly he finds his calm and stops himself. This probably isn’t too uncommon, like, in an animated movies they’d have different actors sing for the lead characters… that is until the 2010s when it became a thing that every character on the roster had to be played by a named celebrity. 

Caspar nods and looks to Hubert. As much as he’s a fan of this idea, he kinda wants his guy, Hubert, to learn a lesson here, and this feels enable-y. A get out of jail free card where Caspar still needs to learn how to dance, and Hubert has to do nothing. 

But Hubert is also desperate. Caspar has never seen him so sad and forlorn before.

With a lot of hesitance, Caspar forces a smile and says, “I got your back.”

Hubert wipes what might be tears away from his eyes. “Bless you, Caspar.”

* * *

 _“I don’t have a sunny disposition_ _  
_ _I’m not known for being too amused_ _  
_ _My demeanor’s locked in one position_ _  
_ _See my face: It’s enthused”_

Edelgard puffs out her cheeks and points at her face, making the most thespian ‘not having it’ expression that even the nosebleed seats would adore, but Dorothea in the front row doesn’t even notice. Instead, she swings one leg over the other in the first row and turns to Ferdinand to whisper something into his ear.

Ugh. Frustrating. This is Edelgard’s first solo and from her understanding of reading YouTube comments, _Pulled_ is the song that people tend to judge the whole show off of. _Pulled_ is a showstopper. After becoming smitten with this random heteronormative character, Lucas, Wednesday sings about how she is being ‘pulled in a new direction,’ and losing her ability to be so consistently dour and negative.

Edelgard is already discouraged because apparently her performance is not iconically Wednesday enough, meaning that the whole joke of Wednesday being enamoured by cute things like tweety birds won’t read at all — since, y’know, this whole musical sucks since it’s so contextual to the original 60s show and has no life of its own… anyways, Edelgard walks through the rest of the lyrics without much oomph, until she gets to the second half, when Wednesday loses her shit over how happy she feels.

“ _Puppy dogs with droopy faces_ _  
_ _Unicorns with dancing mice_   
_Sunrise in wide open spaces_ _  
_ DisneyWorld - I'll go there twice!”

This part of _Pulled_ is exhausting. It’s where Edelgard cuts loose and acts like a complete nincompoop, and it’s not the character she can do. In the slime tutorial (slime tutorial is the code word for bootleg on Youtube) she watched, the original actor, Krysta Rodriguez, got all buggy eyed at this part and did amazing twists and turns with her body. Edelgard tries to emulate it but just like most of her impressions, it falls flat.

Most of it is hampered by this idea of looking foolish — if she is not funny, then she will just embarrass herself.

“Cut! Cut!” Dorothea shouts.

Edelgard sighs. She feels like she’s the one getting targeted the most for direction. Probably because she sucks the most. 

“Oh Edie, don’t make a face,” Dorothea frowns. “Your role… carries the whole show. Wednesday is also the fan favorite, so Dimitri will always have his eyes on you.”

“ _Eye_ singular you mean,” Edelgard winks.

“Ha!” Dorothea crosses her arms. “Funny. Maybe bring that into your performance.”

Oh right. This is part of a grand assassination plot. Not just a musical performance where she gets to kiss someone she actually likes. 

“It’s hard for me,” Edelgard sighs. “I’m not very funny, if you haven’t noticed already. My jokes never land.”

There’s an awkward silence. 

And Ferdinand says, “Your _bits_ aren’t funny. When you’re actually trying, it doesn’t work, but your personality is innately very funny. Not as funny as mine of course—”

“Yes Ferdie, we all know you’re ridiculous,” Dorothea groans. “Edie, think about it like this, right? You are known in your family as being cold, and unfeeling. And all of a sudden —”

“Screw that,” Hubert gets to his feet and marches up to Edelgard with very focused eyes. “Think about it like this instead. You just lost a war, and you’re incredibly depressed.” 

Edelgard represses a twitch in her eyebrow.

Hubert smiles. “You failed your nation, and all of a sudden you’ve seen a way to win, and it is positively the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever had to do in your life: you are staging a musical to kill a King.”

Edelgard groans like an exacerbated teenager.

Caspar chimes in, “Oh I get it! Edelgard, Hubert’s just asking you to think about reality—”

“It’s a meta text,” Hubert coos. “Sometimes in life, _you just have to laugh_.”

Hubert smiles, and backs away. It’s unclear to Edelgard if Hubert knew he said that in the most chilling voice his dark voice can muster. But it makes sense to her. They’ve already encountered the worst, she must simply let it go and reach for the stars. 

“But what choices do I make?” Edelgard calls out. 

Hubert shrugs. “It doesn’t matter what choices you make, just that you decide on something.”

Hmph. This is good enough for her.

Edelgard looks to Dorothea. “May you?”

Dorothea cups a hand to her mouth, “And a 5-6-7-8!” and starts playing the piano.

Edelgard nods her head along to the rhythm, waiting for her cue to jump back into this part and starts with a very excited, high pitched, “ _Puppy dogs with droopy faces!_ ” She clutches her hands to her chest.

 _“Unicorns with dancing mice!”_ She leaps into a split, hands gesturing out as far as they can, palms down, hands swishing from side to side in cute little figure eights.

“ _Sunrise in wide open spaces_ !” It starts to blur, Edelgard doesn’t really know what she does next. She just kinda feels it and imagines Dimitri in the balcony, singing along while she acts like a complete fool as someone sneaks up behind him for the kill. She almost laughs as she sings, “ _String quartets and Chia Pets, and afternoon banana splits!_ ”

And before she knows it, Edelgard’s whole body twists backwards as everything within her calls out, “ _As I’m pulled in a neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew_ —” Quick breath. “ _—direeeeeeeeeeeeeectioooooooooooooon!_ ”

Edelgard flops over her knees to look at the audience, or in this case, Dorothea, Hubert, and Ferdinand. The three of them give her a thumbs up. She smiles back at them, panting too hard to say anything, all of her muscles pulling in. This number is exhausting. Sweat threatens to peel her face off her head. 

But she feels _alive_.

In one day, they depart for Adrestia to recapture the Mittelfrank Opera agents to quickly learn some major dance steps, and then in the two days following that, they depart for Faerghus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can [follow me on Twitter](https://twitter.com/IAmLordMeatwad) for tweets about my cats and fanfic, and [follow me on Insta](https://www.instagram.com/katrinajagelski/) for similar stuff. Occasionally I do live reads for my original fiction and fanfic. [You can follow the artist here.](https://www.instagram.com/obanaiz/) Thanks for reading!


	4. I Want to Demonstrate That Fear is My Ideal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to rescue the backup dancers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a heist story, and features all of the Black Eagles in unusual classes most people don’t put them in, but is entirely serviceable gameplay wise. Like Wyvern Lord Annette haha. Just to list them out so it’s obvious for everyone:  
> Byleth: War Cleric  
> Edelgard: Gremory  
> Hubert: Sniper  
> Ferdinand: Warmaster  
> Petra: Sniper  
> Dorothea: Assassin  
> Linhardt: War Cleric  
> Caspar: Swordmaster

The plan is simple: retrieve the Black Eagle Spy Ring from Enbarr Prison. Dorothea and Linhardt will run first contact. Ferdinand and Bernadetta are on transpo. Everyone else is back-up for trouble, except Caspar, who is sneaking about looking for the best spot to strike in case even the back-up fails.

Huber narrows his eyes while carefully lining up his shot with his bow. He finds his opening, and lets the arrow slip between his fingers. It soars over the precipice and embeds itself deep into the stone wall of the Enbarr Prison. Hubert smiles to himself and touches the metal cable dragged over by the arrow and hooks it into the wall behind him, checking to see that Petra is on task and doing the same with her bow.

“Dorothea, Linhardt,” Hubert looks to the two of them as they duo fits on their special gauntlets. “Ten minutes. At your ready.”

Dorothea clicks her tongue, and grabs onto the cable, the groove in her metal palm latching right on. She jumps off the roof and ziplines on down, releasing herself right before smacking the wall and dropping in through an open window.

Linhardt takes in a deep breath, “Why me?” and jumps off the roof, following after Dorothea and crashing through the next window over from Dorothea. That’s Phase 1. Phase 2 is for them to actually locate the Spy Ring, since they have no idea where to find them.

Hubert and Petra immediately set themselves to work, retracting the cables to kill the evidence.

* * *

Linhardt lands on the stone floor with a loud  _ thwoomp! _ and slides across the floor, legs slamming into the wall. He jumps up into a fighting stance, only to see no one else in the cell and the door ajar. Scrunching his eyebrows, he switches out his zipline gauntlets for his Aura Knuckles. 

A dark mage stumbles into the door frame, flaring up a round of miasma that he never finishes; Dorothea stabs him clean through the throat with her sword and retracts before piercing the neck entirely. She silently withdraws and the body falls over fast.

“Catch him!” Dorothea hisses as if this is super obvious. Goodness he is not meant for this.

Linhardt rushes forward and catches the mage by the shoulder blades, peeking into the hall to see Dorothea hiding another body. Apparently she killed both guards without his help within the three second window he was not with her. Classic Dorothea, Master Assassin. 

Linhardt takes one look at the black bird beak on the dark mage’s mask and shakes his head. “Looks like we’re dealing with the Bird Beak Gang again.”

“ _ It’s Those Who Slither in the Dark! _ ” Hubert curses over the team’s telepathic link. It’s like radio but  _ cooler _ .

Byleth and Edelgard run it together. Of all the Black Eagles, those two are most synchronized, which allows for their faith magic to create this telepathic network. Currently, the two travel underneath the prison and in the sewers.

“Bird Beak, Those Who Slither, Agarthans, it’s all fake and gay,” Linhardt drawls, setting the body down and waving for Dorothea to follow him as he shifts into a sprint. “Hey, quick question, Dorothea. How in Seiros’ name are we supposed to pick the right cell?”

Dorothea speeds ahead of him with ease despite him moving at top speed.

“I mean, you never met the spy ring in person, right?” he asks.

“It’s my theater friends from the old days,” Dorothea spits back. “I just know it.”

* * *

A spooky horse drawn carriage bounces down the dirt road, manned by two dark mages. The crew is set to pick up a shipment of weapons that must be delivered to Faerghus within the next day. This is the most important piece of the plan. It’s even the thing that spurred the Black Eagles to lay their heist this very evening. Ferrying anyone out of Enbarr Prison is nigh impossible, unless they have the cover of an already existing shipment coming in and out.

Ferdinand steps into the middle of the road and holds up a hand, mere yards ahead of the horses. The horses buck and neigh, nearly plowing Ferdinand over but stopping just in time that he is a hair’s width away.

“Hey!” one of the dark mages shouts. “What the Hell are you doing, man?! C’mon! Get out of the way!”

“Ah,” Ferdinand muses to himself, gently patting one of the horses on the snout. “Apologies, I’ll only be a moment. It is important that we cherish each animal for what they are.”

The dark mage raises his hands, fire sparking in the air between his palm. “You got three seconds to finish treasuring my horse or I’ll roast you!”

“Preposterous,” Ferdinand pouts with a coy expression. “Three seconds is not nearly enough time to admire a new friend. Bernie, could you buy me more time?”

The dark mage blinks. “Bernie?”

A nasty Thoron spell streaks from the bushes, striking the dark mage in the chest, the electricity stopping his heart. He falls off the carriage, causing the other dark mage to yelp in fear.

Bernadetta leaps out of the bushes and lands in the carriage beside the other dark mage, pressing her palm to his face and casting a Blizzard spell. The water in his body freezes into ugly, jagged ice crystals that pierce through the man’s flesh from within and well — it’s not a pretty sight. Highly abhorrent. 

Bernadetta kick the carcass off the carriage and grabs onto the horse’s reigns. She looks to Ferdinand, still making doleful eyes at one of the horses. “Who’s a good girl?” he coos. “It’s you, it’s you!”

“Ferdie!” Bernadetta growls. “C’mon, we’re already running late and they’re gonna blame Bernie! Move the bodies!”

“Oh dear,” Ferdinand clenches his jaw, running his hand along the elegant horse. He steps back, hand on the snout and by stretching to his maximum height, he’s able to gently kick the corpses back into the bushes. He returns to the horse. “I wasn’t kidding about cherishing them, you know.” And climbs up besides Bernadetta, hands resting on his knees. “Soon, my darling, soon. I will take full minutes to appreciate your splendor.”

Bernadetta just rolls her eyes.

* * *

“Hubert,” Petra muses, peering through a telescope. “Please take a peeking with me.”

Hubert frowns, veering away from his own telescope and gazing into Petra’s. They’ve spent the past few minutes scrambling to get a lead on where the Spy Ring is located, since Linhardt and Dorothea are running behind schedule. 

What Hubert sees is what they need; it’s a warlock in a fedora and square jaw visible through the iron bars to one of the windows.

“Is that not Myson?” Petra asks, referring to Thales’ new second-in-command after the falling out with Edelgard and death of Solon.

“Good catch, Petra,” Hubert grins. “Dorothea and Linhardt, fifth floor, west wing, it’s Myson. If he’s stationed here, it must be for an important cell. Move. We’re running out of time.”

“ _ We’re doing our best, Hubert _ ,” Linhardt growls.

“ _ Go easy on them, Hubie, _ ” Byleth suddenly chimes in.

Hubert frowns, restraining himself, and looks out to the forest. He thinks he sees movement on the dirt road. “Bernie and Ferdie, dock at West Wing. Move fast. We’re _ — _ ”

“ _ —running out of time, wuh woh, _ ” Edelgard imitates in her deepest, dumbest voice. “ _ Wop wop I’m Hubert, almost outta time _ .”

Hubert’s face goes so red. Why if she wasn’t Emperor he would…

“Need I remind you Lady Edelgard,  _ we can all hear you _ .”

He can hear Edelgard gulp wherever she is. “ _ Oof, uh, my apologies, it won’t— _ ”

Byleth cuts in. “ _ —I don’t see a problem with that all. _ ”

* * *

Dorothea and Linhardt make it to the fifth floor fast and see Myston standing guard alone. Dorothea wastes no time and hurls her sword at him like it’s some kind of javelin. It spins and nails the guy right in the chest. He gags and falls against the wall. 

There is absolutely no conceivable reason as to why that actually works.

Dorothea waves for Linhardt to follow, and takes a knee before the cell, pulling out her lockpick set.

“Lin, take care of him,” she grunts.

“Huh?” Linhardt raises an eyebrow as he comes over, turning over to Myson. “Oh, he’s still alive. Um.”

“No shit,” Myson gurgles. “I’m going to _ —” _

“No thanks,” Linhardt grabs the guy, and looks at the sword cutting all the way through his chest and out his back. “How do I do this surgically—” He swings his aura knuckle over the guy’s head and conks him against the floor. It makes quite the noise, but he’s dead. “—not too bad, but—Dorothea, you look shocked. What’s the prob—oh.”

It’s not the Mittelfrank Opera Troupe at all:

First off, these are not the experienced dancers they were looking for.

Secondly, they were planning on taking ten people, not twelve. So there’s a capacity problem. But they can grin and bear it.

And that’s because instead of Mittelfrank, it’s the entire Golden Deer house and Ashen Wolves. 

“Hey team,” Khalid grins from the center, hands resting on his folded up knees. “Thanks for the assist, we got ourselves into quite the pickle.”

* * *

Down in the sewers, Edelgard freezes immediately and grabs Byleth by the shoulder. “I’m sorry, did I just hear  _ Khalid _ say something?”

“ _ Uh… no, _ ” Linhardt grunts. “ _ We might have the wrong cell _ …”

“ _ Nope, it’s me, baby! _ ” Khalid grins, and Edelgard’s heart falls into her stomach. She loves the guy but man is he a sore winner. She already knows exactly what’s going on. “ _ We were your super secret spy ring, the lack of physical contact with any of you made it  _ **_so_ ** _ easy to pull off. Originally, see we were working for Faerghus as triple agents _ —” __

Edelgard seethes and casts a look at Byleth. 

“— _ but hey, they put us in prison so I’m all yours, El. I know you’re listening. _ ”

El. Nice. What a jerk.

“I understand your frustration,” Byleth sighs, massaging Edelgard’s shoulder in her distress. “This is disappointing news. Lin, ask them if they can dance.”

Linhardt draws in a deep breath.

* * *

Arundel sneers in his security room. He meditates, telepathically connected with all of his agents, but most of the time he grows so bored from it all. Most of the time he’s reading ancient texts banned by the Church, and laughing at them. Rhea’s so dumb. Heh heh.

Nothing ever happens at Enbarr Prison because no one would break into it. It’s a droll role, but one he accepts for now.

But tonight Arundel decides to plug in for a quick moment to check-in with Myson, his lovely, wonderful Myson who will one day take over.

But Myson offers no heartbeat or thoughts. 

Arundel gnashes his teeth and probes his other agents’ minds quickly, and finds fast that half of them are dead. Who could possibly…

_ Edelgard _ .

He probes the mystics for her aura and finds it fast. 

His lip curls upwards. “Release the hounds.”

* * *

The carriage pulls up behind the cell with the spy ring. With the joint efforts of both mages, this is the easiest part of the whole gig.

Linhardt casts Warp to send the four Ashen Wolves to the carriage outside; it’s exhausting and he can only perform so many Warp spells before passing out. But it’s what he does best.

Similarly, Bernadetta casts Rescue to latch onto Golden Deer through the prison walls, and whisk them over to the carriage where they can be transported safely. 

But there’s an immediate problem:

“We’ve got two too many, Edelgard,” Linhardt chokes as his body burns from all the magic pluming out of his palms. “This isn’t the plan.”

Dorothea shoots him a look. “Can you and Bernie try to do more spells than we accounted for?”

“ _ No! _ ” Bernadetta yelps. “ _ I mean, Dorothea, you remember what it was like to use magic, right? _ ”

Edelgard cuts in, “ _ Dorothea, how many do we realistically need for the performance? _ ”

Dorothea closes her eyes and thinks. She was thinking eight at a minimum but none of these people are the professionally trained dancers as she hoped. Except maybe Lorenz. Guy reads like a true thespian. And Raphael too. Raphael’s probably like… an Andrew Lloyd Webber guy.

So it’s going to be quantity over quality. “Ten,” she sighs. “We have twelve with us. Linhardt and I make fourteen. Fourteen spells.”

Linhardt brushes the sweat off his forehead after warping Raphael away, now moving onto the former Golden Deer students.

“I can take the hit guys,” Khalid frowns. “Leave me.”

Lorenz stumbles to his feet besides him. “I will watch over Khalid then, of course.”

Dorothea looks at Khalid, and agh, she hates this. She hates this war, she hates pragmatism. All she wants is to do a good musical with her friends. She doesn’t believe in this dumb asssassination plot. There’s no way it will work, and it’s not fair to leave two people behind in this hellhole to probably die because standard war strategy says to let people die.

“Change of plans,” Dorothea says. “Lin, don’t Warp me out, Warp Khalid out. Bernie, same for you. You don’t rescue Lin, rescue Lorenz.”

“ _ Dorothea _ ?  _ Are you sure that’s wise _ ?” Edelgard asks over the link. “ _ Gah, no it’s fine. Byleth and I can assist in your escape. _ ”

“ _ We’ll support you soon,” _ Byleth says. “ _ I hear stomping. I think beasts are coming. _ ”

* * *

The carriage fills up fast. It’s definitely supporting more weight than it ought to, but Ferdinand thinks they can make it work. He does worry for his friends on the inside though. And for Bernadetta too, she’s under so much strain casting spell after spell like this.

It’s almost like Bernadetta was never meant to cast spells; he always saw her as more of an archer, sort of like how he saw himself as a stereotypical Paladin but wound up becoming a Warmaster.

Sometimes — and Ferdinand doesn’t feel safe sharing this with anyone — but sometimes he thinks that Byleth is a time traveler who has already lived through the war. They won and decided to come back and redo the war. But for the second go around, Byleth opted to teach their students the wackiest shit just to make themselves laugh because they are so wildly depressed.

Why else would Linhardt be a War Cleric? Why would Edelgard be a Gremory? It’s absurd.

Ferdinand shakes his head. It’s drama for a different day. “Good job, Bernie. Let’s go.”

* * *

Byleth and Edelgard climb into the prison, caked in sewage, just in time to block the path of a Demonic Beast. It’s hulking form takes up almost the entire hallway. Gray scales and pure yellow eyes, black energy swirls around it and it  _ hisses _ , spitting venom and toxic fumes.

Edelgard rushes at it and thrusts her fist forward. Black flames slip between the cracks in the stone and plume around the monster, rushing at it and exploding with so much vigor. It took years for her to master the Hades spell but it is truly, well, Hell, to go up against. Hah hah.

But the black fire falls around the monster and it steps out totally unscathed. Edelgard flinches. “It’s magic resistant.”

Byleth smirks at her. “For now. At my call, go.”

Byleth rushes ahead, brandishing their special demon punching gauntlets and uppercuts the beast in the jaw. Caspar, eat your heart out. 

Its head throttles back and it screams like a banshee, sound strong enough to nearly throw Edelgard off her feet. But she stays planted and watches from afar as Byleth goes toe to toe with the monster ten times their size.

Byleth moves so fast and hits so hard; it is miraculous what a gift they are, even when not brandishing the Sword of the Creator. All while staying so calm. Byleth has always been Edelgard’s rock, they keep her in check and bound with reality. From battle to rehearsal to tea time. Edelgard smiles.

There’s a loud  _ crack! _ as a golden barrier materializes around the beast, only to immediately shatter and vanish. Byleth whips their head back and winks. 

Edelgard scrunches up her face and tries again, this time centralizing all of her magical might into one small black orb that forms between her palms. It turns like a globe quickly, absorbing more and more power, growing impressively fast. Edelgard throttles it through the air, her Luna spell, and it crashes into the monster and eats it from the inside out. 

Its carcass collapses dead on the floor, and Byleth claps their hands together. “There, nice and easy.”

Dorothea and Linhardt suddenly twist around the corner and leap over the hulking corpse in the hallway like two badasses, rushing past Edelgard and Byleth in a sprint. “There’s three more coming!” they yelp.

“Oh yeah?” Byleth cracks their knuckles first, and then their neck. “Milady?” They hold their hand out for Edelgard to take.

“Milord,” Edelgard saunters up and takes their hand, their combined magic giving them a quick charge of strength. 

“First one was cake,” Edelgard laughs. “I could take nine more of them if you have enough soldiers in stock,  _ Thales _ .”

She can’t sense Thales through her telepathic link, but she’s sure that pissed him right off.

“Ha,” Byleth smirks. “Nice.”

* * *

The next three beasts are indeed pretty bad, but Byleth and Edelgard get through and emerge from the prison covered in monster blood, chests heaving. But what they find outside isn’t quite what they hoped for.

Linhardt, Dorothea, Petra, and Hubert are lined up on the ground, flat on their knees. Arundel stands high over them, his horse strutting the two of them back and forth.

“I’m excited to inform King Dimitri of this lame excuse for an extraction,” Arundel laughs into the cold night air. “I’m sure it’ll make him smile to know his stepsister is still out there.”

Edelgard winces and steps forward. “Leave my friends alone, it’s me you want.”

“Such cliche, Edelgard,” Arundel spits, tapping Hubert on the shoulder with his staff. “You care nothing for yourself, anywho. Only way to get through to the softhearted Emperor Edelgard is to kill her friends, unfortunately. And kill them I shall. One. By. One.”

The ground ignites in black flame all around, embers licking the bodies of the Black Eagles and they yelp in pain. But the spell itself isn’t strong enough to end them, just to weaken them so they don’t escape. Arundel sneers and pulls free his lance, spinning it in his hand, horse marching to the leftmost Black Eagle, that being Hubert. 

Neither Byleth nor Edelgard is strong enough to defeat him, not like this. 

“I’ll join you Uncle,” Edelgard steps onto the black flame herself and it burns her ankles numb. But she stays straight, twitching at the immense pain. “In exchange for their lives. You keep me alive, and do what you’d like with me.”

Byleth suddenly steps besides her. “I’ll do you one more — take me and you can perform what other experimentation on me that you’d like. It’s your only path to the Sword of the Creator you oh so covet, Lord Dickwad.”

“Dickwad?” Arundel repeats.

“ _ What are you doing? _ ” Edelgard says to Byleth with her eyes. “ _ Let me handle this _ .”

Byleth just smiles. “ _ You didn’t see  _ **_him_ ** _? _ ” 

Edelgard lets her eyes wander into her peripherals and oh, she notices him. Yep. They’re good.

She flushes and looks back to Arundel. “Byleth is being facetious. The offer is me and me alone. Stop your spell now, and I will walk with you, Uncle.”

Arundel considers this, stroking his chin like a very pretentious white guy in film school watching a film from the dada era. 

Caspar, their Swordmaster, tiptoes over the embers, moving silently as ever. Despite him wanting to be the punchy punch man of the group, Byleth taught them how to be the stealthy stealth boy. And now he is sneaking up on Arundel without the dickwad even noticing.

“I have intel,” Edelgard says. “On where to find the others. Like Jeritza. I’m sure you want him back on your side, badly.”

Arundel switches from rubbing his chin to pulling at his mustache.

Caspar climbs onto the horse and bends to the side, head right besides Arundel’s shoulder. Caspar mimics pulling at his own invisible mustache and then retracts back, disappearing behind Arundel.

“Interesting maneuver, El,” Arundel smiles. “I think I shall accept your—”

Caspar cuts Arundel’s head clean off his body with one stroke of the sword, and the Hades spell instantaneously dies, the head smacking against the dirt as everyone sighs in relief. 

Except Edelgard. Her uncle just died. She’s wanted this for so long, it’s just that—well—she always imagined herself being the one to do it. She imagined her ax sinking into his shoulder blades, her foot on the small of his back. She’d sneer as blood would spray in her face, but no.

Arundel was never anything. He was an abuser. A pitiful man who could only find happiness in hurting others. So Edelgard breaks into laughter, so much laughter she cries. 

“Yo guys! Look!” Caspar holds up the limp arms of Arundel’s decapitated body. “It’s the Headless Horseman! Get it?”

Lindhardt groans. “You know, and for like five seconds, I had so much respect for you, Caspar.”

Caspar frowns. “But it’s funny!”

Edelgard grabs Byleth for support, but nonetheless falls to her knees, howling in laughter.

* * *

Back at Garreg Mach, the Golden Deer and Ashen Wolves are given the feast of their lives. All to build up to the worst news they will likely hear for the rest of their lives.

“This is fast,” a very harassed Dorothea says, keeping her eyes very specifically on Khalid and Yuri. “But in two days, we are performing a fake musical to assassinate King Dimitri. It’s an incredibly convoluted and stupid plan, I doubt it’ll even work, don’t worry about it. The point is, we need to stage a really good musical and to do that, I need an ensemble, or uh, back-up dancers and singers.”

Khalid laughs so hard he spits out fruit juice from his nose. 

Yori raises an eyebrow. “I don’t get it.”

“Dude,” Khalid massages Yuri’s shoulders. “They rescued us because they thought we were a theater troupe.”

Yori frowns. “Oh. Oh no. Dorothea, we don’t—”

Dorothea cocks her head to the side. “It’s not a question. You are all getting eight hours of sleep tonight, and will spend all of tomorrow learning the choreo to an entire musical that we will be putting on in…”

She checks her watch.

“...twenty three hours.”


	5. Let's Not Talk About Anything Else But Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;) <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we do the song "Crazier Than You." You can watch a performance of it with the original actors here if you want to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1kM8hqHCGI, Krysta Rodriguez and Wesley Taylor are <3

Edelgard hasn’t been in Fhirdiad since she was a child. Most of that time is a blur to her, but she has faint recollections that make her skin crawl. Especially knowing that this isn’t how she wished to return.

As a teenager, she imagined herself storming the halls and cutting down everyone in her path until she reached the throne. She hated herself for such gory visions, but there was no way her ideals could occur without a war. 

Now, as a young twenty something, Edelgard is in her Wednesday Addams costume, walking solemnly with the rest of her cast and holy shit — this is such a bad idea. And God they look ridiculous.

Dorothea in a black dress cut down to Venezuela with a thigh slit. Ferdinand in pinstripes with the most ridiculous fake mustache and comb over. Jeritza in a shabby suit you’d only wear to a funeral. Linhardt actually looking formal in a  _ suit _ . Petra in a 1950s housewife get-up. Caspar in a striped polo made for five year olds. Bernadetta in rags and a raggedy wig and worst of all…

...Hubert in a bald cap and his former dark mage robes. 

Oh, and who could forget: Byleth in the tightest skinny jeans $10 can buy, an untucked white dress shirt with the top button popped off, and a blazer that’s a little too small for them.

...and also the Golden Deer and Ashen Wolves are dolled up in chalk white make-up to be the ghosts, though Khalid  _ insists  _ on wearing a white sheet over himself to look even ghastlier than the others.

The Black Eagles and Golden Deer walk through the halls as the Blue Lions inspect them. Literally every single person present is compromising the mission. All it would take is for just one Blue Lion to give a fuck and go, “Hey isn’t that Edelgard/Khalid/Yuri/Byleth/Dorothea/etc?”

Fortunately for them, the Blue Lions are less than enthused about everything since, well, it could not be overstated how shitty of a musical  _ The Addams Family _ is. It has no heart, it’s just a weak adaptation that undercuts itself constantly, going for low hanging fruit and a weak plot and — I digress. I, the author, dear reader, hate that I enjoy this show. 

“God, they could have done literally anything else,” Felix taunts from the sidelines, staring daggers at Byleth. 

“Yeah,” Mercedes sighs. “No offense, but  _ The Great Comet _ would have been good.”

Felix scoffs, “The book is better.”

“As if you’ve read  _ War and Peace _ ,” Ingrid shakes their head. “Do you guys know  _ Fun Home _ ?”

Dedue steps in-between with his arms raised, and flashes what Edelgard is assuming is a scathing look, based on the loud gulp Syvlain takes. He turns towards the team and holds out his hand for Dorothea to take. 

“The King’s favorite musical is  _ The Addams Family _ , and I just know it will do him well. He has been sad, as of late.”

Dorothea blushes. “Well, we’ll do our best.”

Dedue scrunches up his face. “You look familiar. It’s as if…”

“ _ Good Goddess _ !” a warm baritone exclaims from behind. “ _ Is that… oh! _ ”

Dimitri steps in, decked out in a fancy ass three piece suit, navy blue shirt, and bowtie. His raggedy blond hair is tied back in a ponytail, highlighting the ugly scars around his eyepatch. Scars that Dorothea herself gave him.

“You came in full costume, oh my heart,” Dimitri smiles and it’s definitely far scarier than his general scowl. His hands awkwardly fall to his hips, like he’s restraining himself. Ooh, he definitely is, he’s fidgeting like a kid under a Christmas tree. “This is my favorite musical, but I’ve only ever been able to hear the cast album. The thought that… someone might perform this for me is touching. All of you are a gift to humanity. Oof, I apologize if I embarrass myself.”

Goddess, how is this Dimitri? He wasn’t like this at all during the war, he was bloodthirsty. Now he stands here as someone entirely new. She wonders if something happened, or if it’s just because of the musical. The implication seems to be this is unusual behavior for him. 

Still, she feels nervous. It could be a trap. Dimitri might have already figured it out.

Dedue gently takes Dimitri by the chest. “What did I tell you about coming out prematurely, Your Highness? It’s like a wedding day, you don’t want to see the bride’s gown.”

“Ah, yes,” Dimitri muses. “Goodness, you all look incredible though. Especially Fester.”

Hubert immediately scowls. Oh how he despises this accursed bald cap.

“Uh, apologies, I’m sure I’m holding you up,” Dimitri steps aside, waving them down the hall. “You have all day to set up and I suppose… I’ll see you tonight? Good luck and all—ha! What am I saying? Isn’t the phrase  _ break a left? _ ”

“Yes, it is, Your Highness,” Dorothea nervously titters, finally managing to get in a word. “Lots of prep ahead. We’ll see you soon.”

The company begins their move down to the hall, all carrying large boxes and cases full of props and smoke machines. But before they make it too far, Edelgard gets singled out. Dimitri grabs her shoulder and she flinches.

“A moment, please,” he whispers.

* * *

Edelgard stands across Dimitri alone, decked out in her lacy black dress with sleeves they snagged for her at Target. Her hair is dyed black and arranged in pigtails. Edelgard’s large forehead is so accurate to the show that she really does sell it as Wednesday. At least, that’s what they’ve told her, she still hasn’t watched the TV show.

“I wanted to say,” Dimitri frowns. “I apologize for the emotional labor this might put on you… but you remind me of someone.”

“Oh?” Edelgard nervously goes to slip a hair behind her ear, but it’s all tied back so tight she can’t. “Who?”

“My stepsister, Edelgard von Hresvelg,” Dimitri looks away wistfully. “I’m sure you’ve heard of her.”

“I have,” Edelgard says in her best deadpan, though her heart races.

“I crushed her in the war, you see, and I…” Dimitri looks away, staring off into space. “...I feel great sorrow for her.”

This has to be some kind of act. Edelgard almost considers dropping it right then and there, but she might as well play along. She has a dagger up her sleeve in case anything happens.

“Edelgard had so many thoughts and feelings towards what Fodlan ought to be, I’ve read many of her essays and manifestos, you see,” Dimitri frowns. “Wonderful ideas honestly, I wish I could be so inspired.”

“B-b-but… you’re the King!”

“Ah, but it is a heavy crown,” Dimitri sighs. “I just wanted to express to you, for I know you’re from Enbarr and possibly connected with the Hresvelg family… your eyes are just so—”

Edelgard blinks.

“—striking,” he finishes. “I defeated Edelgard because I had to… or because I wanted to. Most days I want her head on a stake. Today though, I feel lightness, and I’m excited for your performance tonight. Tomorrow, I may think of Edelgard again but… I’m blabbering.”

“It’s…” Edelgard chooses her next word very carefully. “...alright.”

“Oh goodness,” Dimitri pokes at his eye, and it’s then that she notices the tears shining. “I am emotional! Anyways, what I’m trying to say is… you should find Edelgard and tell her the King of Faerghus is sorry. That’s all.”

“Ah,” Edelgard grunts. “Um, I—I best be off, and help my friends set up. Enjoy your afternoon, Dimitri.”

Shit, she should’ve called him  _ Your Highness _ , she opens her mouth to correct herself when, “Do not apologize for the slip-up. I am a poor king, friend. Break a leg, okay?”

She nods and abruptly moves out, walking half a pace faster than normal. What on Earth did he just admit to? 

He  _ likes _ Edelgard’s ideals? He’s  _ willing to hear her out _ ? 

Is it even a good idea to kill Dimitri now? What if… or is this just a play to make her expose herself?

Dimitri vanquished her army, crushed a rebellion that sought to unrig the status quo. He is the centerpiece of the corrupt system whether or not he likes it. He is blatantly unstable and unfit to rule, but his blood places him in high power, and like he said… he might not feel the same way tomorrow. 

This is her path. She chose war, and she needs to end it.

Edelgard steps onto the stage to see her team hard at work, rigging lights and set dressing All that they had time to build was the graveyard and the Addam’s Family home. Everything else will be done minimally with a blacked out stage. 

She steps onto the stage and looks out at the waves of chairs arranged before them. Hundreds could be here tonight, and they don’t even know where Dimitri shall be sitting. Hopefully, something cliche like Box 5 ala  _ Phantom of the Opera _ , but it is unlikely.

She wonders how packed the audience will be. It’s starting to make her light headed. She’s been so dead focused on mastering her part, she didn’t even think about stage fright or anything. Dreading the worst, she helps everyone set up to get her mind off it but once the set is in, she’s got nothing to hold back her anxiety. Until...

“ _ Hey _ .”

Byleth pulls on Edelgard’s wrist with some urgency, their usually blank eyes showing hints of anxiety. “We don’t have time to rehearse the whole show since you know… we are probably stopping mid-Act 1 when Caspar does the you-know-what to you-know-who… but I’d like if we could practice our Act 2 duet together.”

Edelgard blushes. “Yes. Let’s.”

* * *

Byleth and Edelgard stare at each other alone in the green room which is where actors go to wait when not on stage. If Edelgard is lowkey freaking out, Byleth is hysterical. They pant so hard, forehead covered in sweat. 

“It’ll be okay,” Edelgard urges. “I’ll be supporting you most of the show.”

“Yeah,” Byleth says absently. “Just stage fright. I’ve been supporting you so much I hardly know my part. I’m afraid I’ll forget the lyrics.”

Edelgard offers a little smile and turns on the karaoke track they’ll be using for the show. “Eyes on mine. You’ll know what to do.”

_ Crazier Than You _ has a bit of a psychotic rhythm to it. It’s just a little  _ off _ from your usual love song. Edelgard gently bobs her hips from side to side, giving Byleth her most seductive expression because well, it’s uh, a love song so like. Totally a justified acting choice.

“ _ Once - I - was hopeful. _ _   
_ _ Thought - we - weeeeere one. _ _   
_ _ Life - less - than perfect. _ _   
_ _ Fiiiiiiiinallllllly beguuuun _ .”

Each word stands on its own in the first section, it’s so slow.

Edelgard points at Byleth and curls her finger in, slowly moving in towards them. She keeps her eyebrows knit, jaw locked when not in use. She keeps all of her feelings in her eyes. Because she knows Dimitri will be watching them, as well as Byleth.

“ _ But… nooooow… Iiii wonder. _ _   
_ _ Aaaaaare… weeee undooooone?” _

It gets much faster suddenly, shifting into a bop.

_ “I wanna treasure you in death as well as life! _ _   
_ _ But can I live as your tormentor and your wiiiiiiiiiiiife?!” _

Edelgard grabs Byleth by the lower back, bending them down so that their face is level with hers, nose width apart. 

Byleth’s eyes are so beautiful… and Edelgard misses her cue.

“... _ crazier than you! _ ” she stumbles.   
“ _ I’m crazier than you! _ _   
_ _ And nothing up ‘til now has proved me _ —”

Deep breath. This is the signature of the song. She has to loop the same sound with her voice, in this moan-y kind of way that’s just weird in an endearing way.

“— _ wrrroooooo-oooooooOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOONG_ ** _!” _

Byleth grips Edelgard back, really roughly in fact and bows her back, mouth opening into a wide grin that shows their teeth. This isn’t the choreo they practiced.

But ugh, Byleth’s rough hands on her feels so good. She sings:

“ _ I’m crazier than you! _ _   
_ _ That’s just the overview! _ _   
_ _ So get on board or simply move aloooooo-oooooooOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOONG_ ** _!” _

Byleth watches Edelgard like they are studying her, twitching in excitement with each observation. They bring their hand down and so gently brush it against Edelgard’s puffy cheek, blowing a kiss as they do it. Edelgard blows her own kiss back, though she doubts an audience could see it. 

Suddenly, Edelgard twists Byleth around like they’re a damel, hoisting them over one arm. The other arm pantomimes lining up a crossbow shot just above Byleth’s face.

“ _ Pluck the arrow from its quiver, _ _   
_ _ Hold it in your hand be brave.” _   
  
Byleth croaks from below, their head parallel to the floor.

“ _ Pierce the apple not the liver _ _   
_ _ Or we’re dancing on my grave!” _

Edelgard smirks at them. “ _ Place it in the bow and steady!” _

Byleth practically shouts, “ _ Can’t you shoot that thing already!” _

_ Thwing _ . Edelgard makes the sound effect with her mouth like a total nerd and twists Byleth around again, clapping her hands on their cheeks, moving in on them like a real predator. “ _ I wanna demonstrate that fear is my ideal!” _

Byleth latches onto Edelgard’s cheeks with their hands and drags themselves in. “ _ Girl, believe me, fear is your ideal!” _

_ “Cause in the moment that you’re frightened, life is real! _ ”

Byleth leaps out of Edelgard’s hold and belts it out to the imaginary audience, “ _ Then my life must be REAL real! _ ”

Edelgard takes Byleth by the shoulders from behind. “ _ And in a flash when I release and seal the deal! _ ”

The two of them turn to face each other, crouching down and walking in place with these ridiculous jazzy hands falling with their legs. They sing together in unison.

“ _ I’m crazier than you! _ _   
_ _ I’m crazier than you! _ ”

Byleth sings the second one so roughly, puffing up their face and shaking their cheeks like a dog, and it makes Edelgard break into laughter. 

Byleth pushes them up and keeps singing, Edelgard cutting in halfway through her tears.

“ _ And nothing hurts me when I hear you saaaaaa-aaaaAAAAAA-AAAAAAA- _ **_AAAAAAY_ ** _!” _ _   
_ “Hahahahahahaha… oh… phew…  _ you saaaaaa-aaaaAAAAAA-AAAAAAA- _ **_AAAAAAY_ ** _!” _

They press their hips against each other, groins touching and bend way over their backs, singing it up into the rafters. Then they grab each other’s hand and pull each other back into being straight backed.

“ _ I’M CRAZIER THAN YOU! _ _   
_ _ PSYCHOLOGICALLY INTO! _ _   
_ _ AND THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO FACE THE DAAA-AAAAA-AAAAA- _ **_AAAAAAY!_ ** _ ” _

And then it happens. They’re supposed to jump straight into the next reprise of  _ I’m crazier than you _ s but Edelgard gets compulsive and kisses Byleth  _ hard, _ hungrily and passionately dominating them. The backtrack passes the first  _ I’m crazier than you! _ And Edelgard skips out of the kiss and jumps into the second one. “ _ I’m crazier than you!” _

Byleth catches up, totally out of breath, gasping out the lyrics with Byleth, face flushed pink all over. 

_ “And live or die I’ll let you have controooooo-ooOOOOOO-OOOOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOL_ ** _!” _

They look into each other’s eyes and it’s different now, they aren’t singing as characters. They weren’t to begin with, but now they both know that. This is just Edelgard and Byleth expressing themselves.   
_   
_ _ “I’m crazier than you! _ __   
_ So say you love me too! _ _   
_ _ From here on in you’re singing to my sooooo-oooOOOOOO-OOOOOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOUL!_ ** ”

They turn towards the ‘audience’ holding hands and hold that last note together. 

_ “MY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!” _

And then promptly collapse into each other’s arms, panting between all the laughter. Slowly, they find each other’s eyes again.

“I love you,” Edelgard whispers. “I really… I love you so much. That first kiss was me, not Wednesday.”

Byleth says nothing.

Edelgard might cry. “I think we should do that in the show itself though, I’m surprised they didn’t go for that—”

Byleth starts the kiss this time, much gentler this time, fingers folding around Edelgard’s. “I picked up on that,” they mutter with their open mouth.

“ _ Half hour! Doors in 15! _ ” Dorothea calls through the intercom system. “ _ Everyone to the green room! _ ”

Byleth parts from Edelgard, sighing. Unfortunately, they’re in the green room. But they take the moment to stroke Edelgard’s cheek one last time before everyone storms in.

“I love you too, El.”


	6. It’s Family First, and Family Last, and Family By and By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They do it. They perform "One Normal Night."

Totally dark. The stage lights burn on Edelgard. This is fucking terrifying. She can’t even see the audience. She’s sure her eyes will adjust but Goddess—it’s… ugh, fuck fuck fuck…

The show starts with the Addams’ Family snaps, and the crowd cheers because they’re all like _Hey, it’s that thing we all know!_

And then the show really starts. Ferdinand steps forward, arm linked with Dorothea. He gestures to the crowd. “ _Ah, the intoxicating spell of the graveyard! Once a year, when the autumn leaf falls, we gather to honor the great cycle of life. Come, every member of our clan_ —”

Hubert, Edelgard, Bernadetta, Jeritza, and Caspar step forward.

“— _living, dead_ —” 

Ferdinand nudges Jeritza with his elbow, looking up at him from below. 

“ _—and undecided_.”

But no one laughs. It’s supposed to be the first laugh of the show. 

Ferdinand frowns and swings back in and kicks off the opening number. _“When you’re an Addams.”_ He crooks his right arm and snaps. “ _You need to have a little moonlight!”_

Ferdinand and Dorothea switch their arms, him going up and her going up for the same link. Dorothea cuts in and sings with Ferdinand in a perfect Morticia. Cold and drawling, Edelgard knew Dorothea would steal the show but wow she is a natural; she immediately sinks into the role. 

“ _When you’re an Addams._ ” Snap. _”You need to feel a little chiiiill. You have to see the worlds in shades of gray, you have to put some POISON in your daaaaaaaaay!_ ”

Dorothea pumps her fists high and shimmies around Ferdinand in a half-circle. “That’s the way! _When you’re an Addams…”_

Dorothea drops out, back to Ferdinand. He sings, “ _When you’re an Addams._ ” Snap. “ _You need to have a sense of humooooor!_ ” He tickles Dorothea’s ribs and she rips into girlishly high giggles very unlike her Morticia characterization.

“Teeheeheeheehee!” 

And the crowd goes wild and unless Edelgard is just exhibiting wishful thinking, she swears she can hear Dimitri guffawing above it all. Dork.

Dorothea glances back at her family and arches her brow, smirking. Like putty in her hand, they are so blessed to have her. Especially because from that laugh moving forward the audience loves it. Nothing is awkward, it all flows so naturally. Edelgard actually finds herself having fun after a while, she’s not even trying to do the choreo or recite her lines perfectly, she just _is_. 

The only thing she doesn’t like is Hubert. She picked up on it earlier and decided to not say anything, but Hubert isn’t playing Fester at all. He’s lip syncing to an off stage Caspar singing the lines for him, and Caspar is definitely funny as Hell in his nasally Fester voice, and Hubert makes it look so real but… oh fuck it, it’s fine. 

Then _One Normal Night_ happens. So early into the show, it’s only been like twenty minutes and they’re already wrapping up… unless something horrible happens. 

Edelgard argues with her ‘parents,’ begging them to give her just one normal night so ‘Lucas’ and his family won’t realize how weird she is. She steps to the very front of the stage and pricks up her chin. The music starts with her, she just needs to go. Deep breath. 

She sees Dimitri. It’s stadium seating and he sits _way_ up high. Center. She takes a moment to flash some quick signals with her hands behind her back to the cast. Caspar is probably rushing over now. Holy shit. Okay. This is going down for real.

Distract Dimitri. Sing your heart out.

Go.

Edelgard puts on her best agitated face and belts it out. “ _THEY’RE NORMAL PEOPLE. Not like you, not like meeeee…_ ”

She shuffles backwards rapidly without turning around at all, throwing both arms out to pull in Ferdinand Dorothea in a cute huddle. She jumps up and down and holds that note. “ _Please! Can’t we be an average faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilyyyyyyyyyyyyy!_ ”

The music thumps along with her. Dun dun dun dun dun dun DA! It peaks and she’s in.

“ _ONE - normal night, that’s all I want!_ ” She clutches her chest all pious like. “ _That’s all I need from yoooou!_ ” She pivots on her feet, sliding into a quick lunge at Ferdinand. She takes him by both shoulders and leans in. “ _ONE - normal house, without a mouse, to feed a plant or twoooo!”_

Edelgard turns around, pushing Ferdinand out of sight, skipping backwards to the beat with her arms rocking up and down. “ _You must admit we aren’t what people call_ —” She immediately twirls out of her skip and gives her next lyrics air quotes. “— _‘laid back’_ —” Okay that was fun back to skipping. _“_ — _so can’t we muuuuuse a bit and looooose the basic black!_ ” 

Her heart pounds, she knows she’s tapping the floor to the rhythm. Every note hits so hard, and this one is her least favorite. Because she just has to go for it or it sounds dumb as Hell.

“ _WhoooOOOoooOOOA! ONE - normal night, with normal people on their waaaaaay! Just one normal night!”_ She clasps both hands together and begs again. “Whaddaya say?!”

“One normal night?” Dorothea drawls from behind Edelgard.

She turns on her heel and jabs a finger to her face. “ _To be polite, to do the LEAST you caaaaaan!_ ”

Ferdinand pipes in, “One normal eve?”

Edelgard flips around and grabs him again, pushing her cheek to his chest. “ _Can you achieve a kind of common maaaan? You have to swear to me_ —”

She pounds her chest, as is testifying to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Ferdinand does the same but with a smarmy expression.

“—yes!” she snips, “ _Promise to the cooooooore!_ C’mon, _it’s almost six o’clock, they’re almost at the dooooooor!_ ”

And here we go. Ferdinand and Dorothea gently bow and retreat as the fake trees and foliage are quickly dragged in for the next scene,each one held up by a Golden Deer. The spotlight only leaves Edelgard visible. She throws a hand high into the air. “ _ON ALL THE ADDAMS ANCESTORS WHO’VE EVER WALKED ARIIIIIIIIIGHT!”_ Quick breath. She belts.

“ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE NOOOOOOORMAAAAAAAAAL_ —” all the way to the back of the auditorium, and she drops just one note below into this haunted alto. “— _NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!_ ”

She backs away into the dark and the audience rips into applause and the song’s not even over yet! But people are whistling and _wow_. They like her, they really like her!

Meanwhile, Caspar scrambles to Dimitri’s seat as the Golden Deer show their faces from behind the fake trees.

“ _Doodoodoo! Doodoodoo! Doo doo doodoo doo dooooo!_ ”

Hubert slips in and dives behind a bush, making a _Shush_ gesture to the audience. They howl in laughter, they love this bizarre Hubert/Caspar creative partnership.

Byleth runs out to center stage and gazes up into the fake moonlight, cheering excitedly. “Wait! This is the place where I first saw her!” They jump up and down like a little kid, waving for their parents to follow and finally Linhardt and Petra strut on halfheartedly. 

Byleth leans back and puts on some grit, pantomiming the moment they met Wednesday. “Wednesday with a crossbow.” They say it so seriously. “And she looked like Diana the Huntress!”

Linhardt doesn’t miss a bit, “WHO.”

More laughter, they just love how over it Lin is.

Petra massages his shoulders from behind, chin on his neck. In the teensy tiniest little girl housewife voice that she can manage, she squeaks with so much excitement, “He’s just expressing himself, dear! Expressing is the poet’s _art!_ Just siiimply say what’s in your _heart!_ ” 

God she’s practically chewing on the scenery. It’s a perfect role for her.

Linhardt scoffs and shakes his eyes with a magnificent eyeroll. “Lucas, your mother’s rhyming again. I say we take a rain check and go back to the HOTEL.”

Byleth teers onto their heels. The music builds back up again and they’re in. “NO! _ONE - normal night,_ NO _! Not one poem! Not one inspiring woooooooord!_ ”

They tilt back and their voice gets all guttural, like they’re howling to the moon.

* * *

Caspar rushes up the rows, ducking past eyes. Thankfully, Dimitri sits alone. Blue Lions probably don’t give a shit about the musical because they can’t appreciate *art* — smh. He pulls out his trusty sword, Wo Dao, and gets directly behind Dimitri, aiming for a swift cut to his neck. 

But then Caspar notices something. Something horrible for him.

“ _One normal sceeeene!_ ” Byleth sings from way down below, voice crashing like thunder, but sharp as nails. They are throwing so much passion into this stupid role. “ _Complete routiiiine, tonight can’t be absuuuuuuuuuuuurd_!”

And Dimitri is mouthing the lyrics, accidentally whispering them under his breath. His arms are pulled in tight, rocking up and down in excitement. Like a kid. Like a super little kid who just wanted to see a musical but didn’t get to because of the war.

Byleth runs and turns, pointing so hard at Linhardt, their body gyrating like a power drill. “ _Please don’t embarrass me, or be completely rude! Don’t make a fuss about the house, about the food, whoooOOOOooooO!_ ” Hard pose, all limbs down. “ _ONE - normal night_ — _but can’t you seeeeeeee! This ONE - normal night, is for meeeeeeeeee!”_

And Dimitri sings along. Goddess no, why is he making Caspar feel so wiffly waffly about all this?!

Caspar can’t do it. Didn’t do it. He just stays behind Dimitri, stupidly holding a sword in the air. He’s going to get caught and — fuck! He missed his cue, Hubert is stepping out to front stage, staying oddly quiet. He needs Caspar to start talking to kick off the rest of the song but Caspar can’t because he’s still with Dimitri who is very much alive. 

Caspar waves high, hoping to catch Hubert’s gaze and runs a finger across his neck. 

* * *

Hubert hunches; he definitely just saw Dimitri still alive with Caspar waving like a total idiot. 

Well, as they say, the show must go on. He takes in a deep breath and thinks about Lady Edelgard, and how he’d do anything for her. How he is doing anything for her right now. _This i_ s the definition of _that_. 

After all, a poor man’s Fester is far superior to a silent one.

Hubert’s voice goes nasally and silly, wavering like a rattle. “He seems like a nice young man!” he says, pointing over to where Byleth exited and uh oh, everyone is noticing that Hubert sounds completely different. Hubert waggles a finger and leans in, “I’m trying a new thing, don’t worry!” 

That gets a few laughs. Thank Goddess.

The Golden Deer come out from behind the fake shrubberies and start arguing. Things like “They’re not right for each other” and “He's from Ohio” and “It'll never work!”

Hubert waves his arms to get their attention and stamps the floor. “NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER?!” he exclaims, clutching his bald cap. “What do you mean _They’re not right for each other_!” 

Here we go, a militant drum roll sets in. Hubert steps out front stage until he can see the whites of the audiences’ eyes, and looks for individual people, making real eye contact with them “Was Napoleon right for Josephine!?” He looks to someone else. “Was nausea right for Dramamine?”

He leans back, arms poised like a pianist’s. “Were the 80’s right for the drum machine?” 

He shrugs like a big dope. “Who’s to say? Who’s to say?”

Now they’re really laughing. Hubert gives a quick glance up to see what Caspar is up to. Still hesitating. Ugh.

Hubert looks to the crowd and walks in a half-circle to and fro. “Was ballet right for Balanchine? Was Polio right for the Salk vaccine?” And then he looks to the gang out in the cheap seats, waggling his eyebrows. “Were you folks right for the mezzanine?”

Heh, actually that’s kind of funny. The crowd loves it too, classic theater joke. Make fun of the poor people who can’t afford good seats. He cackles at his own gag and actually feels… kinda happy. He struts back to center. “Who’s to say?!”

Everyone loses it again. Damn. They adore him, and he feels their love. They give him strength, and he sings in his hoarse baritone while he flops around like Donald O’Connor in _Make ‘Em Laugh_ , body wavering like a lifeline. 

“ _One normal night is a perilous trick. Normal is hard to attain.”_

He grips the edge of his cloak, swishing it right and left, right and left. “ _Children are crazy, and parents are quick. Passions are hard to explain. But this is their moment and this is YOUR CHANCE!”_

He goes for jazz hands, arcing them like a rainbow. “ _So if you don’t want to remain_ — _start singing of love!”_ he gasps. 

The Golden Deer all throw their hands on their hips and cry out in unison, “WHAT?!”

“ _LOVE_!” Hubert screams to the rafters, giddy like a schoolgirl, or like, Ferdinand after his favorite tea. 

“NO!”

Hubert shouts it again, this time like a rockstar. “ _LOVE_!”

“WHY?!”

“ _LOVE._ ”

They all groan and fall to their knees. Hubert keeps his enthusiasm, tongue sticking over his lips. “ _ONLY AFFAAAAAIRS OF THE HEEEAR_ T!” And then he gestures to the audience, purring: “Your turn.”

* * *

Hubert is… actually kind of good. Caspar is kind of amazed and forgets once again that he is supposed to kill Dimitri. But it just seems so _wrong_. Like… there’s gotta be a way that involves not killing this guy, he’s just in such a good mood and… no, fuck it. He needs to try.

Hubert holds out his hand down below. “ _Bringing them love_!”

The Golden Deer, Cindered Wolves, _and_ Dimitri all shout it this time. “YES!”

Dimitri stands so tall and bellows that it echoes everywhere. With Dimitri so iconic, now _everyone_ is on their feet cheering along. 

“LOVE!”

Caspar swings at Dimitri’s back.

But Dimitri rocks to the left. “YES!”

“LOVE!” Hubert cries out.

Caspar swings to the left.

But Dimitri goes right. “YES!”

Right swing, left dive. Left swing, right dive. Love Yes Love Yes Love Yes Love Yes what is this, a Bugs Bunny cartoon?! Caspar can’t hit the fucking guy, he’s dancing like a fool!

And then Hubert stands forward and holds up a gloved hand. “ _Love lets your spirits depaaaaart! SO! Let the normalcy staaaaaart!_ ”

Hubert keeps singing, and the ensemble sings with them. It’s such a full sound.

“ _Protect and rally round. Let's aaaaaaaaaid them and abeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!_ ”

Hubert pauses, focusing. He clenches his fist and looks up high into Dimitri’s single eye. _“One normal is whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…”_

Shit Caspar needs to be on stage, like pronto. Fuck it, he fucking bails. He’s running down the hall. 

Hubert goes full opera, doing his best Pavoratti. “ _...THEY’LL… GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_ — _”_

Caspar immediately bumps into Sylvain, Felix, and Ingrid in the hallway. Hubert is still on his high note. 

_“_ — _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_ —”

“Motherfucker!” Felix growls, drawing his bow. Sylvain gnashes his teeth, fire balls puffing into his hands. Ingrid leans back and electricity sparks between her fingers. Shit shit shit shit shit.

“— _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!”_

A moment of silence. The crowd goes wild. Holy shit Hubert. Who knew he had it in him?

And then shit gets real. 

The whole company, minus Caspar, start singing rapidly.

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

Arrows. “QUICK RIPOSTE!” Caspar shouts, smacking the bolts away.

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

Lightning bolt. “SWORD AVOID!” Caspar dodges the magic attack.

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

“SWORD PROWESS!”

“ _WEDNESDAY WANTS.”_

“VANTAGE!”

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

“AVOID STANCE PLUS!”

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

“WRATH!”

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

 _“_ HUUUUUUUAGH!”

_“WEDNESDAY WANTS!”_

“DEATH BLOW!”

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

“VANTAGE WRATH!”

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

“SWORD CRIT +10!”

And then Caspar screams the lyrics with the company for his ultimate attack:

“GIVE HER JUST!”

_“GIVE HER JUST!”_

Caspar wipes the floor with the three knights and sprints to the stage, body flopping through the curtain and tossing his sword into a random corner, scrambling on stage. The whole Addams Family is taking one long stride forward and pivoting 45° with each ONENORMALNIGHT.

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

Left!

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

Right!

“ _ONENORMALNIGHT!”_

Full 360°, spin and crouch down hands on your knees.

_“WEDNESDAY WANTS!”_

Do a split!

* * *

Then Ferdiand and Dorothea stand up, ramrod straight, and sing the first consonant of what will be an epic long note. “ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ —”

Next is Hubert, standing above the crouched family. ““ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ —”

Bernadetta and an out of breath Caspar. “ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ —”

Finally Edelgard, she takes front stage by herself and you can definitely hear her belt over everyone else. “ _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ —”

All together: “ _OOOOOOOOOONE_ —”

Some applause, but no they’re not done yet. Edelgard breaks from the rest, voice piercing the company’s. She takes stage right.

Ensemble sings, “ _NORMAL NIGHT!”_

She sings, clutching her heart, “ _ALL I WANT!”_

Ensemble backs her up, “ _WE’ll COMPREHEND!”_

Edelgard highkicks past her head. “ _ALL I ASK!_ ”

Ferdinand and Dorothea grip her by the shoulders, and Edelgard wipes an actual tear from her eyes. The fake parents sing it together in harmony, “ _We’ll tender every neeeeeed!_ ”

Linhardt drags Petra in from off-stage left with so much authority, noses high in the air, Byleth storming behind them, their arms thrown so comedically wide. Lin and Petra sing in unison the words rolling off their tongues, “ _When we arrive, we’ll come alive, to make this night succeed!_ ”

Byleth twirls on their feet to face their parents, backing away to center page. “ _Just be respectable, don’t make an odd remark!_ ”

Linhardt and Petra nod along to the beat. “ _Okay okaaaaay!”_

Edelgard backs up from stage right to center too. “ _Keep undetectable our passion for the dark!_ ”

Ferdinand and Dorothea shrug with playful smiles. “ _Just as you say!_ ”

Edelgard and Byleth’s backs bump into each others’ dead in the middle of the stage and they both turn fast to look at each other, double take, fold their hands together right away, bend their knees and raise their rears high, and belt into each other’s face.

“ _AND THEN IT’S PARADISE RIGHT HERE IN CENTRAL PAAAARK!_ ”

Their first lyrics together in the show and God they sound like they’re made for each other.

The company crowds all around them in a ring, hands linked and belting as hard as they can.

“ _IN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL_ —”

Breath.

_“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIINFORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!_

_OOOOOOOOOOONE!_

_NORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!”_

The music drops out, and the Addams Family doorbell sound effect plays. Everyone looks to each other in a panic and finishes off with one final:

“ _NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!_ ”

Lights go dark, curtains close for a moment, and everyone’s cheering. It’s incredible to hear, wait, why are the curtains closing? 

Caspar waves for everyone to look to him. Oh no. 

“Yo, so I—uh—I couldn’t do it. I didn’t kill him. I am _so_ sorr—”

Everyone is still applauding, Edelgard’s head roars with a migraine and she’s sweating. She grabs him a little too roughly by the shoulder and looks him in the eye, and then to the cast. “Well we rehearsed the rest of the show for a reason. Let’s run the whole thing through and get out of here. Our priority is to _survive_. Caspar, you did great, bless you.”

“But I totally got—”

She sends him a cold look and then motions for everyone to clear. “Ferdie, get out there and sing your love ballad!”

He snaps and points to her, rushing off. 

Edelgard sighs. “Well, I guess we’ll, uh, just have to run this as—”

Byleth slips their arm around Edelgard’s shoulders, leering at her and she gets all tongue tied and nervous. They click their tongue like a total misogynist, and bump Edelgard’s hip. “—you were gonna say,” Byleth says. “That we run this now like it’s One Normal Night.”

Edelgard’s face goes bright red. “Y-yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart was racing as I wrote this. Big thanks to Obanaiz for the artwork once again. : ) Follow them at https://instagram.com/obanaiz


	7. I’m Being Pulled in a New Direction, and I Think I Like It. I Think I Like It.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woo woo it's the ending!

The rest of the musical goes okay enough. Thankfully, the first twenty minutes grip the audience enough that they don’t notice the obvious lapses in choreography for the part of the show they really weren’t supposed to perform. Oh well. The intermission is the most stressful part, because the cast all have to face each other as normal people. During that break they learn that apparently the Blue Lions found Caspar and the gig is basically up.

Edelgard’s guess is that they’ll get killed the moment the curtain falls. That way King Dimitri can at least enjoy the show. But Edelgard doesn’t blame Caspar, no one does. None of them could have killed Dimitri in that specific moment. With all his belting from up high in the auditorium, he’s basically part of the cast.

The final number is haunting and would work for a much smarter show. It honestly just feels out of place, but at least the cast gets to all sing together for it, before they um, y’know, get guillotined. 

Jeritza comes out, standing along on the smoke filled stage, and it gets so quiet all over. He bows his head and opens his mouth, and the most beautiful baritone comes out. He’d make for a great Sweeney Todd. 

At first, people laugh at this song,  _ Move Toward the Darkness _ , not expecting ‘Lurch’ to sound so good but they stop laughing soon, entranced by this melody. The cast marches out one by one, taking the hand of another cast member.

“ _ Moooooooove tooooward the daaaaaaaaarkness _ ,” Jeritza sings, the whole company backing him up. He gulps, face rumpled. “ _ Conquering your paaaaaaain. _ ”

The company splits, baritones backing up Jeritza with  _ “Let each foreign foreeeeest! _ ”

The altos singing, “ _ Offer you its raaaaaain! _ ”

The tenors. “ _ Only at our loweeeeeeeeeeeeeest.” _

The sopranos.  _ “Can we rise aboooooooooooove?” _

Jeritza motions at the company like a conductor and they all stop. He groans out the lyrics, “ _ Move toooooward the darkneeeeeeeess! Move toward the _ —”

Everyone cuts in like an angelic choir. “— _ darkneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess! _ ”

Ferdinand and Dorothea stand up front, and clutch each other dearly, Dorothea’s head bowed to Ferdie’s chest. Only they sing now. “ _ Move toooooward the darkneeeeeeeeess…”  _ They exchange a sensual look. _ “And… _

_ looooooooooooo _ —”

Edelgard and Byleth. “ _ Loooooooooooooooo _ —”

Bernadetta and Caspar. “ _ Loooooooooooooooo _ —”

Linhardt and Petra. “ _ Loooooooooooooooo _ —”

Hubert, Jeriza, and the Golden Deer. “ _ Loooooooooooooooo _ —”

All finish together. “— _ oooooooooooooooo _ ve.”

The lights dim and now it’s only Ferdinand and Dorothea. 

He runs his hand through her hair. “Are you unhappy, my darling?”

She grins from ear to ear. “Oh yes. Yes. Completely.”

Black.

Everyone waits in nervous anticipation, and then Dimitri whistles, screaming and clapping enthusiastically. The curtains peel back and everyone is standing on their feet.

They all look to each other stunned; they only did this to kill a King, and they totally botched that part and threw on an apparently amazing performance instead.

Dimitri stabs both pinkies into his mouth and whistles so loud and then motions in the air, gesturing at the stage, nodding to someone they can’t see. Suddenly, an ice bridge materializes out of the blue, extending from Dimitri’s seat high up to the stage. He hops on and slides down, plummeting like one hundred feet. 

He lands on the stage with everyone and gets up, still applauding. He looks to Edelgard in particular, smiling, then looks to the audience, his single eye wincing in the stage lights. He shakes, overcome with the same stage fright Edelgard had earlier.

“Kill the spotlight!” she shouts, suddenly concerned for Dimitri of all people. 

It dies and the lights are normal. Dimitri adjusts with so much relief and looks to his people, the people of Faerghus. 

“I want to thank the company for running this incredible performance of my favorite musical,” Dimitri announces in a soft voice. “It showed in Fhirdiad when I was but a lad, but because of… ahem, circumstances I did not get to attend. The past two hours brought me back to a happier time.”

Edelgard narrows her eyes. What is he playing at?

“My knights have informed me that the actor playing Pugsley attempted an assassination on me mid-performance,” Dimitri says and everyone goes quiet. Caspar hides behind Hubert. “No worries, Caspar! I was an easy target, I must say, and what’s important is that they did  _ not _ kill me. I’m alive. I would now like Emperor Edelgard von Hresvelg to step forward.”

Edelgard bites her lip, but does as asked, stepping forward. The audience collectively gasps. \

“Oh yeah, that makes sense,” some rando in the front row murmurs.

Byleth promptly steps forward and takes her hand for support, massaging her knuckle just how she likes it.

Dimitri takes Edelgard by the hand, and he dwarfs her in size. “The two of us have been at war for years and tonight she… showed me mercy and  _ Full Disclosure _ ,” he winks, apparently proud of his little reference to one of the songs in the show. “I am unfit to rule, I agree with Edelgard’s ideology. I always have, but I did not admire her decision to kill and go to war, but today I see her as a changed woman and because of that…”

Dimitri drops to a knee, rolling his head under Edelgard’s hand.

Her jaw drops, knees trembling. He can’t possibly be…

“I yield,” Dimitri says. “As the victor of the war, I yield to you, Edelgard. You win. You moved my soul tonight, as I’m sure you’ll move millions.”

She thinks she’s crying. Her heart is pounding. This has got to be a prank. Someone’s about to shoot an arrow through her heart. Why would he… how could he…

Dimitri gets up and looks to the people of Faerghus proudly. “We shall work together to create a better Fodlan. Ladies and gentlemen, I am introducing you to our new ally, and friend, Emperor Edelgard von Hresvelg.”

* * *

The carriage ride back is so peaceful. Edelgard sits alone with Byleth, the two holding hands while Edelgard watches the rolling scenery. Everyone else is packed into the carriage behind them, definitely throwing the wildest party you can in a small wooden carriage. 

“LET’S GET FUCKED UP!” was the first thing Caspar said after they left the castle after all. And Linhardt and Dorothea promptly said, “Yes, let’s.” 

“Are you okay?” Byleth asks when the silence becomes unbearable. 

Edelgard looks over to them and nods, petting Byleth’s cheek. It’s soft. This is real. She… won the war, sort of. 

Tomorrow the new order begins, but today. 

Edelgard leans in for a kiss, but stops an inch away, breathing into Byleth’s open mouth. 

She whispers the lyrics, “ _ I’m crazier than you… I’m crazier than you… _ ”

She leans in and bites Byleth’s neck, and they lean back and moan out the next line, “ _ And nothing hurts me when I hear you _ —”

Edelgard pulls away and sings it along with Byleth, whispers spiking into full on belting, “— _ saaaa-aaaaAAAA-AAAAAA- _ **_AAAAAAY!_ ** _ ” _

“ _ I’m crazier than you!” _ Edelgard shouts.

Byleth shakes their cheeks, “ _ Psychotically into!” _

They clutch each other in a tight hug, head on the other’s shoulders. 

Together, they sing, “ _ And that is all I need _ —

Caspar suddenly sticks his head into their carriage, head comedically parallel to the rolling ground. “ _ Aw, wow you guys are totally gaaaa-aaaaAAAA-AAAAAA- _ **_AAAAAAY!_ ** _ ” _

“Good improv,” Byleth acknowledges with a sharklike grin. “But still…  _ I’m crazier than him! _ ”

Edelgard giggles, punching Byleth’s arm. “ _ We’re crazier than them! _ ”

“Yes!” Byleth snaps their fingers, and they sing it together. “ _ And live or die I’ll let you have controoooo-ooooOOOOO-OOOOOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOOOL!_ ** _ ” _

Caspar shakes his head, and slinks away. “Theatre kids.”

They keep singing together, “ _ I’M CRAZIER THAN YOU! SO SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO! FROM HERE ON IN YOU’RE SINGING TO MY SOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO- _ **_OOOOOOUL_ ** _!”  _

Deep breath and they embrace each other, lips so close to each other, whispering into each other’s mouths. “ _ My soooooooooooul _ …”

Byleth’s lips are so soft, their touch so gentle and calming. They are such a gift. They break from the kiss and just hold each other for a long time, because tomorrow is scary. Tomorrow is a new world order.

And Edelgard definitely _ wants _ it, but right now… she only wants  _ this _ .

“Are you happy, my teacher?” Edelgard asks. 

Byleth rolls their eyes and nibbles on Edelgard’s neck. “Oh yes. Yes. Completely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I want to thank the organizers of this Big Bang as well as my fantastic artist. : ) Also big shoutout to anyone who commented! I have written almost 800k words of fanfiction and hardly ever get recognized and it means a lot to me every time. 
> 
> I love musicals a lot, and this fic really scared me from the beginning. Because I was so into the idea that I didn’t want to mess it up. My heart was legit pounding when I finished writing Chapter 6, it’s so hard doing musicals in prose, but I hope I gave these songs justice and that you enjoyed this. <3 
> 
> Also Move Towards the Darkness, the first song in this chapter, isn’t that short and I actually changed a few parts that I didn’t like lol I don’t really rec the Addam’s Family Musical, except for One Normal Night which is wow inducing. <3 thanks again it’s hard to say bye and end this project.

**Author's Note:**

> I love musicals lol this was such a blast to write. A couple things I’m going to note before we move along:
> 
>   1. This takes place in an Anachronistic Modern AU — this is still a war, just no guns or anything. : )
>   2. This fic heavily references the Addams Family Musical. I’m going to try to keep it as context free as possible, but if you want to get an idea of the aesthetic to that show, check out [the performance they did on Letterman.](https://youtu.be/7TNygXkIx_w?t=19) I’ll be linking the songs I’m writing around for each chapter.
> 

> 
> Why the Addams Family Musical? Uh, I don’t know, it’s honestly not a very good show… but I don’t know, the idea came together while I was listening to [One Normal Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7APQPvzCvdk) (which slaps btw.) Also huge shoutout to the organizers of this event, and the artist who made two pieces for this fic! Artwork will be featured in Chapters 3 and 6. : )


End file.
